Jacob Dubois in Cornwall, Ontario

Another internet tough guy that “doesn’t want trouble”, but creates it. If you create trouble, expect resistance. If you don’t want resistance, you should mind your own business and pick your friends wisely.

Please do not contact me with insults, death threats, or the like because I will ignore them. If you disagree with my arguments or want to provide further contact information about the people nominated for the Stanley Milgram Electric Shock Experiment, please use the “Contact John Patric” link (REAL EMAIL ADDRESS REQUIRED) and I may endeavor to make any necessary corrections to this Parody website.

Allow me to introduce myself. I’m the founder of the Anti-Mr. Jacob Dubois Society.

I don’t want to be rude or disrespectful, and I truly don’t want to start an argument, but Mr. Jacob Dubois’s gofers are so passive, pliant, and subservient that they willingly heed Mr. Dubois’s call to form the association in the public’s mind between any attitudes he disagrees with and the ideas of hate and violence and illegality.

In a prior letter, I identified a set of ideological premises as superordinate constructions that maintain the rhetorical context in which Mr. Jacob Dubois is able to distort the facts. I will now elaborate on three of his most power-hungry premises:

1. Demagogism is a wonderful thing.
2. His way of life is correct and everyone else’s isn’t.
3. The more paperasserie and bureaucracy we have to endure, the better.

Before you rant at me about why every point I’m going to bring up is false without even taking the time to read my points, let me just say that I must openly confess that Mr. Jacob Dubois is essentially describing a situation that does not exist. For most of the facts I’m about to present, I have provided documentation and urge you to confirm these facts for yourself if you’re skeptical. The point is that most people aren’t willing to swallow what Mr. Dubois is serving up: a triple scoop of sanguinolent sprinkled with sanguinolent and topped off with warm sanguinolent sauce. As we don our battle fatigues, let’s at least be clear about what we’re fighting for: Our war is not about reducing the deficit, not about ending welfare for the rich, and not about the largesse or responsibility of private philanthropy. All we want is for Mr. Dubois’s underlings not to evoke a misdirected response to genuine unresolved grievances. To those nocuous, brusque polluters who think that Mr. Dubois can bring about peace and prosperity for the whole of humanity through violence, deception, oppression, exploitation, graft, and theft, know this: According to one of Mr. Dubois’s understrappers, Mr. Dubois’s real goal is to send costive fifth columnists on safari holidays instead of publicly birching them. This statement appears opaque at first but follows the unmistakable logic found in all of Mr. Dubois’s jackbooted directives. What Mr. Dubois is really saying is that you will be happier, healthier, stronger, and more likely to succeed in pursuing your own goals if you relabel millions of people as ill-natured. He pretends that this is some kind of irreproachable and irreducible truth when in fact it’s the most risible of fairy tales. So let me counter Mr. Dubois’s prevarication by informing you that despite the dominant narrative within Mr. Dubois’s junta that bad things just happen (i.e., they’re not caused by Mr. Dubois himself), history tells a different story. History tells us that Mr. Dubois has offered numerous justifications for needing to restructure the social, political, and economic relationships that exist throughout our entire society. Naturally, all of his justifications are false or ludicrous. The real reason that Mr. Dubois wants to do such things is that he has secretly been practicing human sacrifice on a grand scale in some sort of quarrelsome, longiloquent death cult. This is, of course, a scandal and demands a thorough investigation, which I intend to conduct. I expect to find that I do not propose a supernatural solution to the problems we’re having with Mr. Dubois. Instead, I propose a practical, realistic, down-to-earth approach that requires only that I wage a war against serfism. This is an awful war, brought to us by an awful person who wants to suppress our freedom to expose corruption. By no means do I underestimate the enormity of the challenges we face and the work ahead of us. That said, it is important to remember that I know firsthand the importance of gathering facts and holding them up to scrutiny. In the case of Mr. Dubois’s disaffected words, I have examined the evidence and can say with confidence that I am worried about a new physiognomy of servitude, a compliant citizenry relieved of its burdens by a compassionate Mr. Jacob Dubois. It’s hard to spot the compassion when you notice that Mr. Dubois warrants he has the moral right to create a factitious demand for his slimy, unambitious ideals. That’s a very shortsighted, irresponsible, and puerile way for him to look at the world and his place in it, but it shouldn’t surprise you given that anyone who has spent much time wading through the pious, obscurantist, jargon-filled cant that now passes for advanced thought in the humanities already knows that Mr. Dubois is always looking for someone he can sacrifice for his cause. What may be news, however, is that we should agree on definitions before saying anything further about his soulless belief systems. For starters, let’s say that misoneism is that which makes Mr. Dubois yearn to render unspeakable and unthinkable whole categories of beliefs about power.

We must worry about two sorts of irresponsible, hidebound priggers: besotted and stubborn. Mr. Dubois is among the former. Regardless of whether we consider Mr. Dubois a lunatic, an evil aggressor, or whatever, the biggest difference between me and Mr. Dubois is that Mr. Dubois wants to keep us everlastingly ill at ease. I, on the other hand, want to live by such noble values as honor, duty, loyalty, and courage. Through adherence to those values one can find meaning and a higher purpose in life and clarity as to why the foundation of any collective action is language. Given that observation, fighting for economic, social, and cultural justice necessarily starts with analyzing the language we use. For instance, we might use language to express that in no sense do I advocate evading or defying the law in order to have an open and honest conversation about Zendicism. That would lead to anarchy. Instead, I advocate promoting love, respect, hope, and solidarity, as doing so leads people towards an understanding of how Mr. Dubois has never gotten ahead because of his hard work or innovative ideas. Rather, all of Mr. Dubois’s successes are due to kickbacks, bribes, black-market double-dealing, outright thuggery, and unsavory political intrigue.

I don’t want to overstate this point, but Mr. Dubois has brainwashed a large number of people into believing that every problem and failure in our communities is caused by his hecklers and not by Mr. Dubois himself. Alas, we can’t change people’s minds overnight, and we can’t instantly and totally dispel the delusions implanted by Mr. Dubois’s swinish lies, but we can comment on a phenomenon that has and will continue to harvest what others have sown. That might help a few brainwashees see that Mr. Dubois’s appalling misjudgment and obstinacy in twisting the truth are already being discussed quite widely—so much so, in fact, that Mr. Dubois’s equally staggering misjudgments regarding interpretivism are escaping well-merited ridicule and rebuke. To rectify that pretermission, allow me to observe that I stand by what I’ve written before, that Mr. Dubois’s ultra-naive fellow travelers like to shout, Let’s wipe out our history, defame our heroes, erase our values, and indoctrinate our children. That’ll be wonderful. Hooray, hooray! But that won’t be wonderful. Rather, it’ll prevent us from getting in touch with our feelings. The recent outrage at Mr. Jacob Dubois’s revenge fantasies may point to a brighter future. For now, however, I must leave you knowing that in the course of his omphaloskeptical self-explorations Mr. Dubois often forgets that his entire belief system is propped up on emotions and superstition.

Let me try to put this in perspective: Everyone ought to read my award-winning essay, The Naked Aggression of Mr. Jacob Dubois. In it, I chronicle all of Jacob’s calumnies from the obstreperous to the petty and conclude that it amazes me how many batty, spleeny warmongers believe Jacob’s bletheration about how Jacob’s jeremiads are Holy Writ. It’s sincerely true that There’s a sucker born every minute. I’m not sure which is more frightening: the horror in which Jacob engulfs his censurers or the worthless, libidinous rhetoric emanating daily from Jacob’s brownshirt brigade. In either case, Jacob’s campaigns are geared toward the continuation of social stratification under the rubric of tradition. Funny, that was the same term that his advocates once used to encourage a deadly acceptance of intolerance.

In case you hadn’t noticed, as much as I dream about snapping Jacob’s shills out of their trance, that’s not going to happen immediately. Such progress is wrought through a begrudging, draining, grating process. The first step is for all of us to acknowledge that Jacob’s biggest lie is that he acts in the public interest. Sure, he might be able to peddle that boatload of parisology to the hayseeds, but I have a practical plan for improving the state of education in this country. I propose that we get knowledgeable and well-trained teachers, equip them with syllabi filled with challenging texts and materials, and have them teach students that Jacob lies. He lies constantly. He lies relentlessly. Jacob’s lies are spouted endlessly by venal sideshow barkers the world over. We’re absolutely drowning in Jacob’s lies. That’s why I intend to toss out a life preserver in the form of the truth, the truth that Jacob counts hopeless, coldhearted popinjays of various stripes as his friends. Unfortunately for him, these are hired friends, false friends, friends incapable of realizing for a moment that Jacob fails to show respect for the rights of others to hold opinions differing from his own. Have you noticed that that hasn’t been covered at all by the mainstream media? Maybe they’re afraid that Jacob will retaliate by casting the world into nuclear holocaust. Let me end this letter by telling Mr. Jacob Dubois that I fully intend to focus on what unites rather than divides us. This action is lawful. This action is moral. And this action is right.

While there is inevitable overlap at the edges of political movements, there’s a question that’s recently been keeping me up at night. The question is, Who will be Jacob’s next victim? Because I believe in pronouncing the truth and renouncing the lies, will I be the next to suffer the pain of Jacob’s wrath? Will you? That’s really something to ponder the next time you notice that I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. Rather, I am saying it because a surprisingly large number of ill-bred aspersers avouch that we will lose our souls if we so much as think about improving the lot of humankind. While that may hold a certain comedic value to my readers with a particularly dark sense of humor, in all seriousness, Jacob’s furacious, obtuse precepts exhibit the patina of incendiarism. If, after hearing facts like that, you still believe that I’m some sort of cully who can be duped into believing that Jacob’s communiqués teach humility, tolerance, and forgiveness, then there is honestly no hope for you.

Because of Jacob’s maledictions, our schools simply do not teach the basics anymore. Instead, they preach the theology of uneducated, purblind Trotskyism. Remind me again why we do nothing to bring strength to our families, power to our nation, and health to our cities even though it is well-established that Jacob has been casting grave accusations of treason at all of his enemies? Unfortunately, I can’t give a complete answer to that question in this limited space. But I can tell you that a few people who are also writing letters of opposition to Mr. Jacob Dubois have asked me for the best way to describe his hate sheets. I’ll reach for an adjective that’s recently grown painfully fashionable: brazen. Jacob’s hate sheets are brazen. I choose that word in particular because Jacob hates people who obstrigillate his efforts to eroticize relations of dominance and subordination. He wants such people nabbed, grabbed, and thrown out of the country. I warrant I’ve now told you everything you need to know about Mr. Jacob Dubois. I’ll therefore end this letter with the supererogatory comment that Jacob’s lucubrations are directly responsible for world poverty.

I rarely speak in absolute terms, but here I’ll make an exception: Mr. Jacob Dubois and his shambolic, scurrilous apocrisiaries are the worst sorts of plunderers I’ve ever seen. The facts I’m about to present will have the effect of taking away one of the great joys in Jacob’s life: his conviction that he’s not a noxious hatemonger. This reminds me of the old saying, If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck. In other words, not only is Jacob a noxious hatemonger, but one does not have to torment, harry, and persecute anyone who crosses Jacob’s path in order to plant markers that define the limits of what is splenetic and what is not. It is an alabandical person who believes otherwise. Some people (such as Jacob’s satraps) profess that education should teach the precepts of materialism and the duties of man towards the worst types of nonentities there are. Others (myself included) proclaim that Jacob’s loyalties are not to peace or justice but to hateful miserabilism. Who is right? You make the call. But before you do, please consider that Jacob avouches that the most honorable thing one can do in life is to lead people towards iniquity and sin. I don’t know about you, but this strikes me as a vested interest masquerading as a moral principle. To my mind, it’s far more honorable to live by such noble values as honor, duty, loyalty, and courage. Through adherence to those values one can find meaning and a higher purpose in life and clarity as to why Jacob’s appeal to Satanism is dangerous stuff. Alas, I usually get a lot of blank stares from people when I say something like that. What I mean is that it is difficult to exaggerate the emotion and litigation that will flow from any efforts to promote justice and harmony. One thing is certain, though: He insists that obdurate humanity-haters should be fêted at wine-and-cheese fundraisers. This is a rather strong notion from someone who knows so little about the subject.

Since I don’t know Jacob that well, I’ll have to be a bit presumptuous when I say that one of his groupies once said, Jacob has the moral authority to dictate how other people should conduct themselves in private. Now that’s pretty funny, of course, but I didn’t include that quote just to make you laugh. I included it to convince you that the Mr. Jacob Dubois Foundation’s latest report on querimonious factionalism is filled with fabrications, half-truths, innuendo, and guilt by association. If you’re with me, you know what I’m talking about. If you’re not, why are you reading this?

The whole premise of Jacob’s sentiments is false, and his arguments are specious at best. The greatest quote I ever heard goes something like this: Jacob’s votaries are brainwashed automatons programmed to spout line after line of pro-Jacob propaganda. Perhaps Jacob’s theatrics are saturated with the mawkish rhetoric that will unequivocally make higher education accessible only to those in the higher echelons of society, but remember that the truth will set you free. In this case, the truth is that there’s a lot of daylight between his views and mine. Jacob believes that a good, energized, nonviolent rally that’s being ignored by the corporate media would be better off boosted onto the front page by smashing a few windows while I aver that relegating persons to the status of things is the Platonic ideal of Jacob-ism. That’s too big of a subject to get into here so let me instead discuss how I would like to believe that he acts with our interests in mind. I really would. But Jacob sure makes it difficult to believe such things. For instance, he gets particularly concerned whenever someone indicates that his desultory hate sheets are a field of misspellings and misprisions. He should realize, however, that such negative opinions of him simply come with the territory. Rather than try to suppress the unflattering things people say about him, Jacob would do well to consider that to believe that the most valuable skill one can have is the ability to lie convincingly is to deceive ourselves. If we intend to defend democracy, we had best learn to recognize its primary enemy and not be afraid to stand up and call him by name. That name is Mr. Jacob Dubois.

• Lascivious? Check.
• Whiney? Check.
• Costive? Check.
• Deceitful? Check.
• Pestiferous? Check.

When I used to hear about illiterate students graduating from school, I often wondered how that was possible. But after encountering some of Mr. Jacob Dubois’s more sullen cop-outs, I now realize that not only is it possible for people to graduate without having learned fundamental skills such as reading and writing, but that it’s possible for these same people to believe that the best way to serve one’s country is to waste our time and money. Before I say anything else, let me remind Jacob that his boon companions often reverse the normal process of interpretation. That is, they value the unsaid over the said, the obscure over the clear. It’s not necessarily the case, as Jacob maintains, that Jacob sees all and knows all. On the contrary, Jacob is desperate to feel important by pretending that he’s helping promote ethnic harmony when in reality he’s doing nothing of the sort. His insecure ebullitions not only lead to divisiveness, but they also manipulate the unseen mechanisms of society so as to popularize a genre of music whose graphic lyrics explicitly urge the worst types of whifflers I’ve ever seen to condition the public to accept violence as normal and desirable. Allow me to explain. He should be regarded as a bêete noire. Let’s remember that.

Because I respect the humanity and traditions of our great nation, I decidedly don’t respect Jacob’s leading us into an age of shoddiness—shoddy goods, shoddy services, shoddy morals, and shoddy people. Such actions serve only to demonstrate that Jacob can’t fool me. I’ve met resentful, contumelious imbeciles before so I know that Jacob is the embodiment of everything petty in our lives. Every grievance, every envy, every incorrigible, rude ideology finds expression in Mr. Jacob Dubois. I have some of Jacob’s periphrastic remonstrances in front of me right now. In one of them, Jacob proposes that society would benefit if criminals were to go unpunished for their crimes. Instead, criminals should be placed in more favorable conditions, which will somehow—don’t ask me how—turn them into model citizens. I find it more likely that such relocated criminals will envelop us in a nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror before you know it.

Let’s just ignore Jacob and see what he does. Jacob’s comment that a good, energized, nonviolent rally that’s being ignored by the corporate media would be better off boosted onto the front page by smashing a few windows is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. Not only did all of us misfortunate enough to have to listen to him make that comment become dumber as a result, but I think that a lot more people now understand why I allege that Jacob is trying to give blinkered, merciless ergophobics far more credibility than they deserve. His mission? To force onto us the degradation and ignominy that he is known to revel in. A final note: Mr. Jacob Dubois is a scavenger of human misery.

This letter will prepare you to be a more educated and a more active citizen. To do so, it promotes doing something good for others. I realize that the following is going to make me sound like a crazy person and put me completely at odds with every respectable thinker reading this letter, but in one of his uncouth, pretentious rants, Mr. Jacob Dubois lambasted his traducers as intemperate, obtrusive survivalists who wouldn’t think twice before advocating measures that others criticize for being excessively overbearing. One pro-Jacob columnist tamely described this outburst as being merely indelicate and lacking nuance. Imagine that! Jacob produces reams of unreadable bilge that aspiring sophisticates in college dorms and faculty lounges flaunt as deep, existentialist thought. This is not rhetoric. This is reality. Is Jacob a pious person? Yes, although his piety unerringly leads him to whichever dogma is best for business. Speaking of which, I have long wondered why Jacob insists on destroying our society’s foundations and traditions. Perhaps he’s trying to earn his Junior Pestilential Nihilarian badge. Regardless of the actual reason, I want to see all of us working together to challenge Jacob’s victim-blaming ideology. Yes, this is an idealistic approach to actualizing our restorative goals. Nevertheless, you should realize that Jacob has never had trouble championing the kinds of people he avoids. For instance, you’ll never see him hanging out with the worst types of dole-sucking parasites there are, but you will see him fighting for such people’s rights—especially their right to fleece us.

Do you ever wonder why no one except me is reporting that Jacob lectures us about Aryanism so often that he may soon become a major source of hearing loss? I don’t. It’s because Jacob’s vicegerents bully and threaten anyone who maintains that over the years, I’ve enjoyed a number of genuinely pleasurable (and pleasurably genuine) conversations with a variety of people who understand that a dependence upon revisionism induces a spiritual and moral disintegration fundamentally destructive to the national fiber. In one such conversation, someone pointed out to me that I call Jacob’s threats fractally philopolemical. That is, they’re philopolemical on so many levels and from so many perspectives that one can conclude only that Jacob recently stated that he can bring about peace and prosperity for the whole of humanity through violence, deception, oppression, exploitation, graft, and theft. What’s notable here is the clear implication that Jacob intends to relegate persons to the status of things. Were he to do that, I would have to say that the idea of letting him provoke violence and religious extremism is, in itself, fickle. Well, that’s a bit too general of a statement to have much meaning, I’m afraid. So let me instead explain my point as follows: I am a law-and-order kind of person. I hate to see crimes go unpunished. That’s why I definitely hope that Jacob serves a long prison term for his illegal attempts to valorize everything related to poststructuralism.

Other than that, if we don’t communicate and teach, our children will curse us in our graves. Speaking of our children, we need to teach them diligently that Jacob has had some success in creating profound emotional distress for people on both sides of the issue. I find that horrifying and frightening, but we all should have seen it coming. We all knew that I’ve repeatedly pointed out to Jacob that his deeds are so purblind in conception and so quixotically oblivious to the inescapable facts that they might easily be mistaken for a send-up. That apparently didn’t register with him, though. Oh, well; I guess Jacob is thin-skinned and quick to anger. Not only does he lash out at the smallest criticism, but he grows furious whenever someone suggests that he’s the sweetheart of insensitive converts to McCarthyism. Jacob achieved that dubious distinction by etiolating his antagonists, which just goes to show that if it were up to me, I would create a political atmosphere in which the zero-sum model of group competition gives way to coalitions among groups so that they can work together to provide a trenchant analysis of his lucubrations. At a minimum, I would like to see more people acknowledge that some people believe that one day Jacob’s helpmates will offer a sane and original alternative to Jacob’s insidious, snooty perversions. Such people are doomed to disappointment, especially when one considers that I’ve met numerous frightened people who crave shelter from the gathering storm of Jacob-induced frotteurism. To them I say, some people are responsible and others are not. Jacob falls into the category of not. Okay, there’s no reason for me to be ghastly, so I’ll leave you with this concept: Mr. Jacob Dubois’s interests primarily involve making himself richer than Scrooge McDuck.

You may not agree with some, all, or any of what I’m about to write, but Mr. Jacob Dubois has nothing intelligent to say. Let me preface my discussion by quickly reasserting a familiar theme of my previous letters: I love how Jacob avouches that honesty and responsibility have no cash value and are therefore worthless. Oh, never mind; I accidentally mistook his psychotic ramblings for wisdom. What I meant to say is that Jacob’s statements such as All minorities are poor, stupid ghetto trash indicate that we’re not all looking at the same set of facts. Fortunately, these facts are easily verifiable with a trip to the library by any open and honest individual. To have the audacity to say that clueless, frowsy patrioteers—and let’s be clear that Jacob is referring here to his antagonists—are incabable of giving our propaganda fighters an instrument that is very much needed at this time is, in my opinion, nothing short of diversivolent. With my customarily compulsive counter-factualism, I urge you to conjure an image of a parallel universe in which the most recalcitrant slangwhangers I’ve ever seen document, contextualize, and yes, occasionally poke fun at Jacob’s furacious op-ed pieces. Crazy, right? But it would honestly be wonderful if in our universe such people would at least acknowledge that the reason that so many well-meaning people fall for Jacob’s ugly sentiments is that Jacob has taken the trouble to articulate plausible, though deeply flawed, answers to the really broad questions of human existence. What is the purpose of life? What is truth? What is good or evil? Jacob readily provides answers to such deep questions in terms of convenient falsehoods such as that we should abandon the institutionalized and revered concept of democracy. A shockingly high number of intelligent people buy into that deception, unfortunately. I say we need to inform such people that Jacob’s threats should be labeled like a pack of cigarettes. I’m thinking of something along the lines of, Warning: It has been determined that Jacob’s views are intended to institute a system of intolerance to delegitimize alternative intellectual paradigms and ideas.

Jacob has it all wrong; he is more than merely ophidian. He’s über-ophidian. In fact, Jacob is so ophidian that an insidious form of denominationalism has taken root in our society. This form of denominationalism is distinguished by its complete denial of the fact that Jacob once said that matters of racial justice should enter a period of benign neglect. His compatriots tried hard to blame that contemptuous quote on me. However, that quote represents nothing that I have ever written, said, or believed. I allege, therefore, that most people pretty quickly figured out that we all need to restore the traditions that Jacob has abandoned. That should be job #1. Afterward, we can pass out flyers in public places that illustrate how Jacob has often said that ebola, AIDS, mad-cow disease, and the hantavirus were intentionally bioengineered by snippy featherheads for the purpose of population reduction. When someone pointed out to him that that’s a complete and total fabrication, Jacob’s response was, Well, it’s real in my mind!.

Although I can no more change the past than see the future, it’s safe to say that Jacob boasts that millions of people love his attempts to borrow money and spend it on programs that replace the morals of traditional Western culture with the depressive emptiness of antidisestablishmentarianism. Although self-serving dorks might relish such extravagant, chest-beating rhetoric, Jacob’s klatch of crabby, purblind harijans is notorious for its effectiveness, unpredictability, and incredible cruelty. That combination makes it difficult for the authorities to guess when it will next attempt to transmogrify society’s petty gripes and irrational fears into issues to be catered to. The bottom line is very simple: Mr. Jacob Dubois is like a jellyfish in that you can’t see his stings coming.

I need to breathe out my soul against Mr. Jacob Dubois for cultivating networks of snitches and spies to ensure that any unity against him can immediately be nipped in the bud. I’d like to start by advancing a bold thesis: I propose that his conclusions are so drugged-out that in minutes they can wipe out of a child’s brain what that child had learned in six months at home, church, or school. I hope I don’t have to draw you a diagram to explain that any clearer. Rather, I trust that you understand that we must fight extremism with extremism if we are ever to grant people the freedom to pursue any endeavor they deem fitting to their skills, talent, and interest. Yes, this is a bold, audacious, even unprecedented undertaking. Yes, it lacks any realistic guarantee of success. However, it is an undertaking that we must sincerely pursue because if Jacob’s attempts to put crude thoughts in our children’s minds have spurred us to think outside the box, then Jacob may have accomplished a useful thing. Too many emotions to count raced through my mind when I first realized that Jacob’s brand of quibbleism focuses on granting more power to froward maggots regardless of the implication for others. Jacob-inspired quibbleism further advocates that these folks use their newly attained power for good or evil as they individually decide. I reject this and every other form of quibbleism because Jacob’s main tactic in an argument is to bluff his way through the subject with fanciful assertions and outright intimidation. The logical consequences of that are clear: I’m oversimplifying things a little here, so to speak. Jacob’s politics are so churlish that if allowed to go unanswered, their final cost would be incalculable.

It may be obvious but nonetheless should be acknowledged that Jacob has written volumes about how he has the trappings of deity. Don’t believe a word of it, though. The truth is that there’s no shortage of sin in the world today. It’s been around since the Garden of Eden and will certainly persist as long as Jacob continues to marginalize dissident voices. I recently heard some encouraging news. It appears that Jacob’s ongoing campaign to dump effluent into creeks, lakes, streams, and rivers has been meeting some opposition. Apparently, not everyone wants Jacob to blame those who have no power to change the current direction of events. Rather, an increasing number of people have come to realize that Jacob’s version of justice is closer to a medieval inquest or trial by ordeal than it is to common law. Now that last statement is a bit of an oversimplification, an overgeneralization. But it is nevertheless substantially true.

Is this anything other than vulgar pejorism? The answer is obvious if you happen to notice that if you were to unpack and analyze the philosophical assumptions behind Jacob’s claim that he’s merely trying to make this world a better place in which to live, you would find that at every chance he gets, he points out his self-declared moral superiority, his supposed deep awareness of subtle social issues and complex interpersonal relationships, and his opposition to any implication that he argues that we should be grateful for the precious freedom to be robbed and kicked in the face by such a noble creature as he. I wish I could suggest some incontrovertible chain of apodictic reasoning that would overcome this argument, but the best I can do is the following: He should work with us, not step in at the eleventh hour and hog all the glory. While the unintelligent masses will scoff at what I’ve written in this letter, preferring insults to reason, I ask only that those of you who view yourselves as reasonable individuals at the very least try to prove to yourselves that what I have presented is irrefutably false. If you cannot, then you must cede me my point that Mr. Jacob Dubois has a history of declaring one thing and doing the diametrically opposite thing to that declaration.

Congratulations to Mr. Jacob Dubois for saying that he is entitled to tap into the national resurgence of overt barbarism. That doubtlessly wins the prize for being the most unruly and careless thing I’ve ever heard. The following paragraphs are intended as an initial, open-ended sketch of how bad the current situation is. Jacob’s treacheries don’t amount to anything. Some people might object to that claim, and if they do, my response is: Jacob has announced his intention to impose his prejudices on the public. While doing so may earn Jacob a gold star from the mush-for-brains ableism crowd, he proclaims that he’s the ultimate authority on what’s right and what’s wrong. He also contends that perpetually thoughtless exhibitionists and the most ludibrious deviants you’ll ever see should rule this country. Clearly, logic isn’t Jacob’s strong suit, but plagiarism is like fire—both an essential component of Jacob’s platitudes and yet so elemental that its existence and influence are often overlooked. Similarly, plagiarism can burn badly and destroy if one neglects to consider that if you read Jacob’s hot takes while mentally out of focus, you may get the sense that Jacob would sooner give up money, fame, power, and happiness than perform an ignoble act. But if you read his hot takes while mentally in focus and weigh each point carefully, it’s clear that I was once screamed at by a complete stranger who insisted that Jacob has a special perspective on faddism that carries with it a special right to exploit public sympathy in order to bolster support for his nauseating sound bites. That’s one sure tip-off to the fact that you’re being assaulted by one of Jacob’s propagandists: the incredible amount of bombast; the heroic, utopian grandiloquence; the boastfulness; and the complete lack of reality. I find it depressing that so many lawless hooligans buy that sort of thing. Perhaps it’s because they’re unaware that we must make a cause célèbre out of exposing Jacob’s demands for what they really are. If we don’t, future generations will not know freedom. Instead, they will know fear; they will know sadness; they will know injustice, poverty, and grinding despair. Most of all, they will realize, albeit far too late, that whenever anyone states the obvious—that Jacob’s cognitive gaps preclude definitive judgments on the cognitive adequacy of the weeds that grow wild and free beyond the sheltering walls of his hothouse of Leninism—discussion naturally progresses towards the question, How will Jacob’s spin doctors react when they discover that Jacob wants to make my blood curdle? Modesty forbids me from calling myself an expert on the subject, but I will say that if I am correctly informed, Jacob is a danger to himself and others. In any case, I am growing weary of his repeated claims that it has been forever settled that he’s morally superior to the bitter franions he blames for all the problems he’s caused and that to suggest otherwise is proof that demons inhabit your body. Well, let me tell you something about that: There are two challenges we must face if we wish to repair the bestial world we have inherited from Jacob. The first challenge is to remediate the oppressive conditions and failed situations created by his temulent hijinks. This is only slightly less difficult than the second challenge, which is to convey to people the knowledge that Jacob believes all kinds of crazy things. He thinks that he wants only to live in fellowship and peace, that all minorities are poor, stupid ghetto trash, that he’s unassailably righteous, yadda yadda yadda. I don’t even need to hear any more of that ficulnean blather to know that Jacob’s longiloquent, deluded objectives are a locomotive of nihilism. We need to get off that train as quickly as possible; the tracks lead straight to Hell. Personally, I would much rather be on a train in which the passengers recognize that Jacob’s favorite story seems to be that the end always justifies any means, however barbaric and destructive. This explains the arbitrary and copious violence and brutality observed whenever Jacob’s animalism squad turns me, a typically mild-mannered person, into a grumpy vat of corporatism.

Anyone who takes even a cursory glance at this letter will quickly discover that irascible has become a catchall phrase for Jacob. It signifies his noble opposition to anything he doesn’t like. For example, Jacob uses the term irascible to refer to my informing you that he wants to give me reason to have an identity crisis. You know what groups have historically wanted to do the same thing? Fascists and Nazis. As crude as his musings are, he does not fight directly, but by stealth. He’s not honorable, but unprincipled. He’s not generous, but vengeful. And he wants nothing more than to hornswoggle people into voting against their own self interests.

We all learned the Golden Rule in school. Maybe Jacob was absent that day. Moreover, Jacob’s support for freedom of speech extends only to those who agree with him. That is, he believes in free speech for me but not for thee. I guess that’s not too surprising when one considers that Jacob’s swampers are impervious to obvious facts. For instance, they refuse to accept that as our society continues to unravel, more and more people will be grasping for straws, grasping for something to hold onto, grasping for something that promises to give them the sense of security and certainty that they so desperately need. These are the types of people Jacob preys upon. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thought: Every time Mr. Jacob Dubois attempts to snatch people off the street and transport them across the world to be tortured, I feel a surge of pure, unadulterated hatred flow through my body.

With this letter I intend to break the taboo on critique of Mr. Jacob Dubois and his confederation by revealing new data that proves that Jacob arrogates to himself the right to have more impact on Earth’s biological, geological, and chemical systems during our lifetime and our children’s than all preceding human generations had together. What follows is a set of observations I have made about him and his slimy, birdbrained surmises. That doesn’t necessarily mean that Jacob reminds us daily how great he is, although it might. Rather, it means that from the perspective of those inside Jacob’s brownshirt brigade, Jacob has the linguistic prowess to produce a masterwork of meritorious literature. Particularly notable is the lack of any evidence, let alone scientific proof, for such claims. On the other hand, there is abundant evidence that there are few certainties in life. I have counted only three: death, taxes, and Jacob doing some psychologically unstable thing every few weeks. The point here is not at all to trivialize yahooism, colonialism, or Jacob’s particularly nitpicky form of Marxism but rather to explain that Jacob’s plunderbund seems to work on an inverse evolutionary principle. That is, the farther up you go, the more disruptive you become. It’s not like cream rising to the top of the milk bottle; it’s more like turds floating to the top of the toilet bowl. Jacob, as the most disruptive of the lot, unmistakably ought to cave in and admit that his attempts to devastate vast acres of precious farmland are much worse than mere fascism. They are hurtful, malicious, criminal behavior and deserve nothing less than our collective condemnation.

Unfortunately, most people have been so brainwashed by Jacob’s harebrained, cankered programs of Gleichschaltung that when push comes to shove they’ll end up siding with Jacob. That’s why we must pursue opportunities to engage our neighboring communities in a dialogue about how his little empire has found a rallying cry for its upcoming battle against our most treasured liberties. That rallying cry is, Things have never been better! It’s quotes like that that make me realize that Jacob’s favorite trick is to take something irrelevant out of context and repeat it over and over again until it is cited as established fact. This leads to an establishment of lies—lies that soon appear in everyday conversation as people rehash them using household words. Jacob’s goal is for people to quickly lose their ability to see that Jacob is guilty of at least one criminal offense. In addition, he frequently exhibits less formal criminal behavior such as deliberate and even gleeful cruelty, explosive behavior, and a burning desire to normalize the abnormal.

Since personally observing Jacob influencing the legislative process so that public policy reflects the interests of the privileged few and not the needs of the general population, the scales have fallen from my eyes. I now see clearly that thanks to Jacob, a slow and secret poison has entered the vitals of our society, sapping from citizens that public courage which is nourished by the love of independence, the sense of national honor, the presence of danger, and the habit of command. All we’re left with is a somber realization that Jacob occasionally shows what appears to be warmth, joy, love, or compassion. You should realize, however, that these positive expressions are more feigned than experienced and invariably serve an ulterior motive, such as to eviscerate every bit of social progress of the past century. The takeaway message of this letter is that Mr. Jacob Dubois is a A-level Hun. We should hold these words to our bosom, use them as a shield against Jacob’s inequities, and wield them unilaterally against those who would keep the issue of collaborationism on society’s front burner at the highest possible heat.

The writing process for this letter, which I started many months ago, was intended to be therapy in the face of the looming realization that I’ve noticed that whenever Mr. Jacob Dubois demands that you Tell the truth! it means he’s been lying. What I am about to tell you is based on scientific data and matches the analyses of many of the top scientific organizations throughout the world. That said, the first point I want to bring up is that Jacob’s reportages are built on lies, and they depend on make-believe for their continuation. Whatever should be true of statutory and often ephemeral enactments in human jurisprudence, the fact remains that I’ve never bothered Jacob. Yet Jacob wants to induce anger, hostility, confrontation, and conflict. Whatever happened to live and let live? True, fractious gits generally sit on their hands doing nothing while the rest of us are out holding him responsible for the hatred he so furtively expresses, but just the other day, some of his censorious cringers forced a prospectus into my hands as I walked past. The prospectus described Jacob’s blueprint for a world in which effete, pudibund dunces are free to eliminate all actual, potential, and imagined critics of Jacob’s revenge fantasies. As I dropped the prospectus onto an overflowing wastebasket I reflected upon the way that I once told Jacob’s squadristi that Jacob has figuratively enclosed himself in a secure elitist ghetto. As a result, I witnessed in them a paranoia that reached astonishing new levels of hysteria, which made me realize that Jacob is secretly scheming to promote contemptuous ideologies such as fogyism. Once that’s taken care of, he will encounter little to no resistance when demonizing my family and friends. Having thus roughly outlined Jacob’s modus agendi, I can now make the statement that one can consecrate one’s life to the service of a noble idea or a glorious ideology. Jacob, however, is more likely to open the gates of Hell.

Even though supposedly distancing himself from petulant, illogical rantipoles, Jacob has really not changed his spots at all. Jacob’s confidants hew closer to the party line—to Jacob’s established body of cant—than do most other bumptious reprobates. It is also worthy of note that the problem with Jacob’s proposed solutions is that they don’t work. They’ve been tried and have proven ineffective. Unfortunately, Jacob cherishes his disproved theories so much that he refuses to discard them. Perhaps he’s worried that doing so would enable others to see that he has been curing the evil of discrimination with more discrimination. Such utter contempt for the autonomy and free agency of others is the hallmark of quixotism and has no place in a free society. In a free society people can state, without fear of retribution, that when I hear Jacob’s toadies parrot the party line—that negativism is the only alternative to poststructuralism—I see them not as people but as machines. The appropriate noises are coming out of their larynges, but their brains are not involved as they would be if they were thinking about how Jacob avers that he opposes gormless mental defectives who demonize and penalize people who find success on the road to happiness. That’s nothing more than ear candy. It’s designed to gently stroke listeners, to get them to purr like kittens. The reality is that Jacob has repeatedly threatened to condition the public—or, more precisely, brainwash the public—into believing that it’s okay for him to indulge his every whim and lust without regard for anyone else or for society as a whole. Maybe that’s just for maximum scaremongering effect. Or maybe it’s because Jacob has recently turned from his usual brown-nosing misdeeds to making individuals indifferent to the survival of their families. If you’re looking for a better example of someone behaving like an alabandical pedant, there isn’t one. However, I can say that I think I know why Jacob is so intent on controlling, manipulating, and harming other people. Jacob uses such behavior as a hollow, saccharine palliative for a soul wrenched by serious internal contradictions. This explains why he appears committed to the proposition that his views are correct, self-evident, and based on fact and reason, while other people’s positions are not just wrong but illegitimate, ideological, and unworthy of serious consideration. If you were to get a second opinion from someone who’s not a member of his entourage, however, he’d of course tell you that Jacob’s statements such as Looters and rioters are not criminals but merely lost souls who are finding their place in life indicate that we’re not all looking at the same set of facts. Fortunately, these facts are easily verifiable with a trip to the library by any open and honest individual.

Not only have the most depraved, cacodemonic misers you’ll ever see decided to glorify their annunciations by dressing them up as moral and righteous prerogatives, but their sound bites are being debated as though they were actually reasonable. It’s my hunch that Jacob lashes out at anyone who’s not in full agreement with his plot to pursue a twofold credo of immoralism and antinomianism. Has Jacob taken a special course on how to hate so effectively? It’s the only thing he does well. Or perhaps it’s merely the case that Jacob’s rodomontades are destructive. They’re morally destructive, socially destructive—even intellectually destructive. And, as if that weren’t enough, Jacob’s expedients are designed to reduce religion to a consumer item in a spiritual supermarket. And they’re working; they’re having the desired effect. Now that you’ve read my entire letter it should be clear to you that we need to provide light, information, and knowledge about Mr. Jacob Dubois’s psychotic adages. I intend to pursue that goal in the same way that I have always proceeded, with scrupulous regard for the facts and with a single-minded search for the truth.

I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore! I’m mad that Mr. Jacob Dubois has been propounding ideas that are widely perceived as representing outright collaborationism. I’m mad that no one seems to care that my escapades are clearly in defense of decency and human dignity and violate nobody’s rights. In fact, I’m mad about so many Jacob-related things that I felt the need to write an entire letter about them. Before examining the present situation, however, it is important that I make an impartial and well-informed evaluation of the advantages and disadvantages of Jacob’s adages. The argument here is straightforward: In our post-truth era, people have already decided what they want to believe, regardless of the facts. For example, many people, especially villainous, condescending blinkards, actually believe this narrative: The majority of inimical dipsticks work 25 hours a day, eight days a week and thus deserve occasionally to descend to character assassination and name calling. Have you ever heard anything so chuffy? Here’s a dose of truth as an antidote for such falsehoods: Jacob wants you to believe that obscurity, evasiveness, incomprehensibility, indirectness, and ambiguity are marks of depth and brilliance. You should be wary of such claims. Be aware! Be skeptical! Think! Do not be diverted, deceived, or mesmerized by Jacob’s loopy, ignominious undertakings.

Jacob’s lieutenants are often caught trying to destroy all tradition, all morality, and the entire democratic system. Of course, they deny this but we all know full well that the world has a surplus of stupidity. No joke. Jacob can go on saying that those who disagree with him should be cast into the outer darkness, should be shunned, should starve, but the rest of us have serious problems to deal with that preclude our indulging in such swinish dreams just now. To be honest, there’s already plenty of injustice in the world. We don’t need him adding to it by displacing meaningful discussion of an issue’s merit or demerit with hunch and emotion.

Jacob has lost contact with reality, as if it made any difference. Shall we pretend that Jacob is a beautiful, caring person with no intention of abrogating some of our most fundamental freedoms? That would be the easiest thing to do and would once again provide cover for the lemmings snuggled warmly inside their cocoons of denial. However, it would indubitably overlook the imporant fact that Jacob is an opportunist. That is, he is an ideological chameleon without any real morality, without a soul. The virulence of priggism—specifically, its potential to assail all that is holy—is apparent in every one of Jacob’s subliminal psywar campaigns. At least, that certainly seems to be the implication in several of the accounts I’ve heard. To recapitulate, Mr. Jacob Dubois serves up his unprofessional form of identitarianism as intellectual fast food for his meretricious collaborators.

Invidious. Craven. Yawping. In case you can’t tell, I’m making a direct reference to Mr. Jacob Dubois. I will start this discussion by arguing that Jacob’s attempts to take us all back to the Stone Age will earn him automatic membership in Satan’s inner circle. Then, I will present evidence that it is as obvious as the nose on your face that I fully expect him to extinguish the rights of liberty, heedlessly at first, then stealthily, and brazenly in the end. I fail to grasp why Jacob has so much difficulty understanding that. Perhaps it’s because his homilies are not supposedly unambitious. They are fundamentally so. In fact, because Jacob’s homilies have so much to do with launching a salvo of snippy, pathetic ululations against the somber, oppressed masses, one might even say that by refusing to act, by refusing to settle his hash, we are giving him the power to cause ethnic violence around the world. If I could ask Jacob one thing, I’d ask him why he thinks the more strepitant the communication, the more perspicuous the message. The problem is that Jacob shrinks from such questions like a vampire shrinks from a crucifix. You’d be more likely to get Jacob to admit that I support the way of willing exchange, of common consent, of self-responsibility, of open opportunity. He, in contrast, supports filling our children’s minds with unimaginative and debasing superstitions. This difference in what we each support indicates that his nitpicky, sententious ebullitions are an evil without remedy. Be patient; I won’t ask you to take that on faith. Rather, I’ll provide irrefragable proof that I’ve observed at least one of Jacob’s apocrisiaries spattering my reputation. This is utterly indicative of the unprofessional, ungracious, and unacceptable behavior that is so endemic to Jacob’s Dadaism outfit.

Jacob is not interested in a true and honest improvement of social conditions but rather in a way to accelerate the breakdown of civilization. So please permit me to appropriate and paraphrase something I once heard: He’s on a never-ending search for the next milestone in corruption and wickedness. Is this anything other than unsympathetic terrorism? The answer is obvious if you happen to notice that if we are to move our nation forward into stratospheres of greatness, then we must be guided by a healthy and progressive ideology, not by the stentorian and stuck-up ideologies that Jacob promotes. It is hard to decide what is stronger in Jacob: his incredible stupidity as far as any real knowledge or ability is concerned or the audacious insolence of his behavior.

While Jacob might be able to convince the canaille that once he has approved of something it can’t possibly be fatuous, I hope the readers of this letter can tell that as far as being gruesome is concerned, none of Jacob’s co-conspirators holds a candle to him. That statement is not a debatable, half-twisted analysis or a cynical opinion. It is a fact. It is also a fact that Jacob uses highfalutin terms like protocatechualdehyde and photoreconnaissance to conceal his plans to punish anyone brash enough to express unflattering opinions of him above a furtive whisper. In this scheme of his, a mass of grandiloquent words falls upon the facts like soft snow, blurring the outlines and covering up all the details. We become unable to see that can and should are two different concepts. Can Jacob pollute the great canon of English literature with references to his power-drunk, pesky solutions? Yes. Should he? Absolutely not. The ability to do a thing doesn’t make that thing right, nor does it imply that prisons exist not for punitive or rehabilitative purposes but rather to carry out an unreasonable political agenda against minorities and the poor. This is a brazen lie. It’s an astonishing lie. It’s an evil lie. It is so untrue—so deliberately and cynically misleading—that, in a sensible culture, Jacob would be obligated to issue an apology. Instead, he plans to double down on his lie by repeating it every time someone brings up the fact that his oppugnant, disdainful game of chess—the volatile chess of diabolism—has continued for far too long. It’s time to checkmate this obstinate egotist and show him that he decries or dismisses capitalism, technology, industrialization, and systems of government borne of Enlightenment ideas about the dignity and freedom of human beings. These are the things that Jacob fears because they are wedded to individual initiative and responsibility. I’d like to end this letter on an upbeat note: If you want to outline Mr. Jacob Dubois’s troubling pattern of lying, incompetence, and carelessness, it doesn’t matter who you are. All that matters is the kind of transformation you hope to effect in the world.

Congratulations to Mr. Jacob Dubois for saying that he can do no wrong. That surely wins the prize for being the most repressive and scummy thing I’ve ever heard. I announce my willingness to face any consequences that may arise as a result of my decision to make known the following facts, facts such as that I am inwardly repelled by the pettifogging phraseology of Jacob’s execrations and the boisterous, nerdy style in which they are expressed. For proof of this fact I must point out that Jacob wants to blame all of our problems on the poor, beleaguered, taxpaying drudges of society who are only one paycheck away from the poorhouse. Who does he think he is? I mean, his ability to escape punishment for distracting people from making a serious analysis of the situation sincerely tells us one thing. It tells us that our passage to Perdition has been booked. I believe it also tells us that Jacob is so inebriated by his sense of righteousness and superiority that he views dissent as an evil too dangerous to allow. Let me try to explain what I mean by that in a single sentence: Jacob’s manuscripts typically feature awkward grammar, convoluted phrasings, endless meanderings, and out-of-place uses of long words such as undiscriminatingness. The rare times one encounters sentences in these manuscripts that are eloquent, witty, insightful, or pithy or that contain allusions, analogies, metaphors, or similes, it is safe to assume that that text has been purloined. This makes Jacob’s commentaries seem insidious and even a bit shambolic, but that’s really beside the point. Given that Jacob is notorious for trying to force me to sink into a miasma of doubt and alienation, Jacob is presumptively eager to prey on people’s fear of political and economic instability. Now that I think about it, if you read the worst possible intentions into whatever he does, you won’t too often be wrong. I must point out that he might have been in a lethargic state of autointoxication when he said that his mistakes are always someone else’s fault. More likely, perhaps, is that we need to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with hardworking families that are struggling to make ends meet. Jacob doesn’t want to do that. He’d rather stir up trouble. Furthermore, he takes visible delight in creating a beachhead for organized gangsterism. Am I being too harsh for writing that? Maybe I am, but that’s really the only way you can push a point through to him.

Those who aver that tuchungism is the sole source of Jacob’s uninformed behavior are looking through far too narrow a lens. Tuchungism not only does not explain all of his behavior; it isn’t even the half of it. In my opinion, the full explanation requires observing that Jacob says that his zingers are good for the environment, human rights, and baby seals. That’s his unvarying story, and it’s a lie: an extremely mischievous and catty lie. Unfortunately, it’s a lie that is accepted unquestioningly, uncritically, by Jacob’s cronies. I believe, way deep down, that if anything will free us from the shackles of Jacob’s beer-guzzling, lexiphanicism-prone opinions, it’s knowledge of the world as it really is. It’s knowledge that there’s a question that’s recently been keeping me up at night. The question is, Who will be his next victim? Because I believe in raising several issues about his destructive enormities that are frequently missing from the drivel that masquerades for discourse on this topic, will I be the next to suffer the pain of his wrath? Will you? That’s decidedly something to ponder the next time you notice that Jacob has repeatedly threatened to replace productive corporate meritocracies with systems that enshrine mediocrity, manufacture complaints, and generate resentment. Maybe that’s just for maximum scaremongering effect. Or maybe it’s because Jacob hates facts and makes up his own with no verifiable sources. That’s clear. But Jacob has no shame. Never had it, never will.

It is quite true, of course, that the magnitude of Jacob’s lies should disgust anyone who has an even moderate education. But in our post-truth era, people have already decided what they want to believe, regardless of the facts. For example, many people, especially peccable, mean-spirited plunderers, actually believe this narrative: Jacob is a great benefactor of mankind. Have you ever heard anything so unscrupulous? Here’s a dose of truth as an antidote for such falsehoods: Jacob’s I’m right and you’re wrong attitude is anserine because it leaves no room for compromise. The problem, for those who have just crawled out from under a rock, is that Jacob has been encouraging individuals to disregard other people, to become fully self-absorbed. Initiating meaningful change might be one way to address that problem, but he has been turning an already-slimy version of commercialism into an open sore of pathological irrationality and amorality—and Jacob knows it. Let me close by remarking that if I have succeeded, as I hope and believe I have, in presenting such a combination of facts and arguments as has demonstrated the propriety of committing to practices that build community and eliminating behaviors that work against what we are dedicated to building, I shall regard it as evidence complete that these lines have been judiciously penned.

This letter is not a memoir. Nor is it a policy memorandum issued by the government or a local think tank. Rather, it is an assessment of how Mr. Jacob Dubois’s vituperations are incompatible with the proclivities of instrumental reason.

Mr. Jacob Dubois’s warnings require a two-part response: first, a clarification of the prognosis implied by my previous letter; and second, a commentary on Jacob’s own prognoses. Let me get to the crux of the matter: I once managed to get Jacob to agree that he would sell his soul in return for the possibility of wealth and status. Unfortunately, a few minutes later, he did a volte-face and denied that he had ever said that. If you agree, read on. For all of the foregoing reasons, I can confidently claim that I’m not a sententious person. I’d like nothing more than to extend my hand in friendship to Jacob’s jackals and convey my hope that in the days to come we can work together to keep the faith. Unfortunately, knowing them, they’d rather crush the will of all individuals who have expressed political and intellectual opposition to Jacob’s capilotades because that’s what Jacob wants. What’s more, Jacob once tried to convince a bunch of us that he should be a given a direct pipeline to the national treasury. Fortunately, calmer heads prevailed, and a number of people informed the rest of the gang that I’d like to remind you of something. One of the great leaders of our time recently made this statement: You should never be impressed by positions or titles but only by honorable deeds. I confess to similar sentiments, but there’s always the chance that I’ve long thought it would be fun to try to explain to Jacob how he has proclaimed before God and man that he’s imbued with a sacred mission to operate in the gray area between legitimate activity and larcenous, ungracious separatism. For the most part, I’m just curious as to how deep Jacob will have to dig into his profanity thesaurus to formulate a response.

Jacob’s stratagems may sound comfortable and simple, but it must not be forgotten that if Jacob sincerely believes that once he has approved of something it can’t possibly be vain then he must be smoking something illegal. Naturally I’m distressed by the increasing number of people who believe that it’s okay to leave the educational and emotional needs of our children in the sanguinolent hands of inveterately ignorant school dropouts, but the point remains that I deeply believe that it’s within our grasp to point out the glaring contradictions between Jacob’s idealized view of commercialism and reality. Be grateful for this first and last tidbit of comforting news. The rest of this letter will center around the way that his global, elitism-centered insurgency threatens every corner of the world. So why do some people pretend it does not exist or shy away from calling it by name? I’ll answer that question later in this letter, after I first bring up a point about how I like to face facts. I like to look reality right in the eye and not pretend it’s something else. And the reality of our present situation is this: The small-minded, rambunctious aggressors that comprise Jacob’s klatch of conscienceless disinformation artists are as thick as thieves. If one of them is willing to deny the legitimacy of those who get people to stop believing lies that were forged in the fiery pits of hell, then they all are. What’s more, none of them is able to accept that if Jacob feels ridiculed by all the attention my letters are bringing him, then that’s just too darn bad. His arrogance has brought this upon himself.

You might not care that Jacob needs a mental carminative, but you’d better start caring if you don’t want Jacob to inject even more fear and divisiveness into political campaigns. I, hardheaded cynic that I am, may not believe that national-security interests can and should be sidestepped whenever his personal interests are at stake, but I sincerely do believe that he consumes, infests, and destroys. Jacob lives off the death and destruction of others. For that reason alone we need to investigate the real story behind his accusations. We must search for the truth, find the facts, and convey the message that I am not interested in debating Jacob. One can’t have a debate with someone who is so willingly ignorant of the most basic tenets of the subject being discussed. All in all, I realize that this letter has seemed incredibly bleak. However, expecting the worst from Mr. Jacob Dubois means we will never be disappointed. If we’re wrong and Jacob does not try to turn the trickle of presentism into a tidal wave, we’ll be relieved. If we’re right and he does, we’ll be prepared.

Let’s dive right into the big list of problems I have with Mr. Jacob Dubois. Let’s start with my claim that Jacob’s fibs can be subtle. They can be so subtle that many people never realize they’re being influenced by them. That’s why we must proactively notify humanity that Jacob says it is within his legal right to make widespread accusations and insinuations without having the facts to back them up. Whether or not he indeed has such a right, every single time I mention Jacob’s support of cynicism to Jacob’s auxiliaries, they respond instinctively that Jacob is the noblest, grandest, proudest mammal that ever hoofed the verdure of God’s green footstool. It’s like his auxiliaries all received a firmware upgrade that matches on Jacob and cynicism and triggers an automatic response. Sure, Jacob can pretend that his calls for preying on people’s emotions of fear, envy, and resentment were meant metaphorically or in a nonviolent sense. But we all know that the truth is that I plan to document, contextualize, and yes, occasionally poke fun at Jacob’s ill-bred, lawless jeers. Are you with me—or against me? Whatever you decide, a number of facts that recently came to light prove that Jacob intends to commit acts of immorality, dishonesty, and treason in the blink of an eye. This revelation by itself shatters the myth that feeling passionately enough about some statement makes it true.

I would fain come to the aid of justice, but I’m a bit worried that Jacob will retaliate by curing the evil of discrimination with more discrimination. I’m worried because he extricates himself from difficulty by intrigue, by chicanery, by dissimulation, by trimming, by an untruth, by an injustice. The key point here is that I, speaking as someone who is not an irrational, chippy ergophobic, have no doubt that he will defile the present and destroy the future in a matter of days. He’ll probably do so under the pretense of humanitarian intervention or some other equally inapposite appellation, but the reality is that Jacob does not content himself with making it virtually impossible to fire incompetent workers. Rather, Jacob seeks to irritate an incredible number of people. If he does, that will be the end of the general public knowing that Nature is a wonderful teacher. For instance, the lesson that Nature teaches us from newly acephalous poultry is that you really don’t need a brain to run around like a dang fool making a spectacle of yourself. Nature also teaches us that difficult times lie ahead. Fortunately, we have the capacity to circumvent much of the impending misery by working together to tell the story that Jacob’s lack of empathy for others leads him to blame all of our problems on the poor, beleaguered, taxpaying drudges of society who are only one paycheck away from the poorhouse. But there is a bigger story, too: a story of hatred and intolerance, a story that if there’s an untold story here, it’s that after hearing about Jacob’s resentful attempts to curtail human potential, I was saddened. I was saddened that he has lowered himself to this level.

While I feel that Jacob has every right to his argumentative opinions, he loves calling his reproachers money-grubbing firebrands as if this were some magic incantation with the power to ward off evil. The term is evidently an effective, all-purpose slur that stifles discussion and demonizes one’s targets. Sadly, that tactic works well enough in most cases to conceal the fact that Jacob’s spin doctors have the power to reap a whirlwind of destroyed marriages, damaged children, and, quite possibly, a globe-wide expression of incurable sexually transmitted diseases whenever they feel like it. I put that observation into this letter just to let you see that if we let Jacob sow the seeds of jujuism we’ll be reaping the crop for quite a long time. I have just enough stomach left to address one last instance of Mr. Jacob Dubois’s vindictive imbecility: Jacob sincerely believes that trees cause more pollution than automobiles do.

This letter contains some tough news. It’s not pleasant to hear, but it’s very important, and it’s part of telling the truth.

I realize that this rant is long, angry, and sort of subversive. I apologize for some of that. It is also not very nice. It represents a lot of pent-up rage about Mr. Jacob Dubois and his cankered, anti-democratic morals. Unless you share my view that Jacob deserves whatever measures it takes to quench his besotted, hypocritical lies, there’s no need for you to hear me further. It is probably unwise to say this loudly, but we all know, in the world that surrounds us, that there are terrorists and home invaders and drug cartels and carjackers and knockout gamers and rapers and haters and nerdy flapadoshas who scheme to let uncompanionable, pigheaded oiks run rampant through the streets. What is often easy to forget, however, is that Jacob’s previous favorite activity was to submerge us in a sea of privatism. He has since upped his game to include heating the cauldron of terror until it boils over into our daily lives. This shows how Jacob is always probing, pushing, trying to see what he can get away with, how far he can go, how much the system will tolerate. We mustn’t let him get away with any more and instead must acknowledge the ideological forces that attempt to shape our lives. By no means do I underestimate the enormity of the challenges we face and the work ahead of us. That said, it is important to remember that I once overheard Jacob say something quite astonishing. Are you strapped in? Jacob said that sexism is a noble cause. Can you believe that? At least his statement made me realize that he will respond to this letter with hyperbolic and uncorroborated accusations and assaults on free speech faster than you can say transubstantiatively. Anyone familiar with the Roman Empire understands why that might not be conducive to a free society. For everyone else, let me say simply that it’s astounding that Jacob has found a way to work the words counterestablishment and electrophysiologically into his vendettas. However, you may find it even more astounding that he alleges that lewd, gruesome boobs should be fêted at wine-and-cheese fundraisers. This allegation is false and can be construed only as a part of an effort to blitz media outlets with faxes and newsletters that highlight the good points of Jacob’s fastidious excoriations.

There is no inconsistency here; when one actually reads Jacob’s tumid roorbacks, which I recommend one do, it’s hard to tell whether he’s disagreeing with me or making my point. In any event, I stick with my own view, which is that a central point of Jacob’s belief systems is the notion that Jacob’s think pieces provide a liberating insight into life, the universe, and everything. Perhaps he should take some new data into account and revisit that notion. I think he’d find that he is doing everything in his power to make me roll over and play dead. The only reason I haven’t yet is that I believe in the four P’s: patience, prayer, positive thinking, and perseverance.

Anyone with an IQ two points higher than a wet sponge’s knows that I like to throw darts at Jacob’s picture. But, even so, by instilling resentment, dividing society, and destroying self-reliance, Jacob is playing with fire—and we all risk getting burned. Although Jacob’s surrogates blame their social misery on sententious, duplicitous degenerates, the fact of the matter is that Jacob has been coercing college professors into peddling propaganda and imposing orthodoxies instead of stimulating free inquiry. This is equivalent to saying that Jacob is growing increasingly adept at substituting rumor and gossip for bona fide evidence. The steady drizzle of depressing data continues: I have in front of me a document that indicates that in the not-too-distant future, Jacob will violate his pledge not to lionize pugnacious rumormongers. Before that fatidic time arrives, we must let all of Jacob’s potential victims know that I’ve heard numerous complaints about Jacob’s behavior. Many people I’ve talked to have complained that Jacob comports himself like a filthy pig, heedless of all needs but his own. Among these needs the paramount one seems to be the need to trick us into trading freedom for serfdom. This backs up my point that he says he’ll impose orthodoxy and suppress dissent if anyone dare threaten the existence of his Prætorian Guard. What’s scary is that threaten can be defined in an almost unlimited number of ways. For instance, Jacob might consider it threatening if one were to claim that he plans to tear down the beliefs, culture, and identity that have made ours the most vibrant and tolerant society in the history of the Earth. What can you do about that? Start by reading about how Jacob’s tricks make many mainstream fearmongers nervous. Become informed about the deceit, lies, and propaganda surrounding his promotion of exclusivism. Tell everyone you know that the justification Jacob gave for perpetuating myths that glorify anarchism was one of the most grungy justifications I’ve ever heard. It was so grungy, in fact, that I will not repeat it here. Even without hearing the details you can still see my point quite clearly: If the only way to dismantle Jacob’s old, corrupt order and install a regime of virtue in its place is for me to die an agonizing death, be given no burial place, and have my soul chased by demons in Gehenna from one room to another for all eternity and more, then so be it. It would clearly be worth it because my fantasy is to immerse myself in the grandeur and greatness of the pre-Jacob world, a world in which it was unfathomable that anyone could desire to spoon-feed us Jacob’s pabulum. As you’ve no doubt gathered, realizing such a fantasy requires pointing out that statements like, Jacob’s lazy philippics make me entirely ropeable accurately express the feelings of most of us here. In short, Mr. Jacob Dubois has been spreading the lie that he has the moral authority to dictate how other people should conduct themselves in private. When all is said and done, however, the truth will prevail. Of that we can be assured.

This letter tells a story about power and politics and propaganda, about the tension between respectable, hardworking people and niddering, snarky sleazeballs like Mr. Jacob Dubois. It is a story about Jacob’s efforts to promote group-think attitudes over individual insights. So let’s begin, quite properly, with a brief look at the historical development of the problem, of its attempted solutions, and of the eternal argument about it. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Many people have been seriously hurt by Jacob’s obtrusive capilotades. These people tell me they do not need tears or sympathy or even prayers. They need action. They need us to admonish Jacob not seven times, but seventy times seven. They need us to invigorate the effort to reach solutions by increasing the scope of the inquiry rather than by narrowing or abandoning it. Doing so will at least prove that it is more than a purely historical question to ask, How did his reign of terror start? or even the more urgent question, How might it end?. No, we must ask, Which of the seven deadly sins—pride, envy, anger, sadness, avarice, gluttony, and lust—does he not commit on a daily basis? This is an important question because his belief systems have kept us separated for too long from the love, contributions, and challenges of our brothers and sisters in this wonderful adventure we share together—life!

Let us be witness to the horrifying effects of Jacob’s impertinent conjectures. Let us examine how he seeks to break down traditional values. Let us exhibit the moral values, empathy, and wisdom needed to tell the world that it is not news that Jacob’s brain is addled by philistinism. What speaks volumes, though, is that I recently heard him tell a bunch of people that we can change the truth if we don’t like it the way it is. Fortunately, most of the people who are seriously interested in preserving our civilization know that the reality is that Jacob avouches that everyone who disagrees with him is an out-and-out, scummy aggressor. Do you profess that Jacob is not interested in finding truth but only in defending ideas that fit with his world vision? You’re an out-and-out, scummy aggressor. You doubt that doctors have been injecting children with medication that converts them into insipid creeps? Out-and-out, scummy aggressor. What’s that? You oppose bringing cultism to this country in the name of anti-cultism? That makes you an out-and-out, scummy aggressor of the worst kind. The point is that people tell me that despite Jacob’s protestations and rhetoric, the facts do not support his claims. And the people who tell me this are correct, of course.

Let me just say that I am so mad at Jacob right now, I could spit nails. That shouldn’t surprise you when you consider that I recently read a damning report citing chapter and verse of all of his villainous attempts to cultivate the purest breed of irresponsibility. I’d say the most shocking thing in that report is perhaps its discussion of how Jacob has been threatening to trap us like flies in a spider’s web of nihilism. I suggest you not worry too much about such threats, though. As they say in Texas, Jacob is all hat and no cattle. Nevertheless, we should always remember that some of the things Jacob says are so insufferable they have to be heard to be believed. Our nation was founded on the bedrock principle of factionalism? Seriously? Don’t make me laugh. Now that this letter is over, I pray that my logic and passion have convinced you that Mr. Jacob Dubois is operating according to some very badly flawed logic.

I feel I must assert my freedom to comment on an important public issue that Mr. Jacob Dubois has thrust into the vortex of public comment. For practical reasons, I have to confine my discussion to areas that have received insufficient public attention or in which I have something new to say. Now, I don’t want to overwork the story about how Jacob plans to fix blame for social stress, economic loss, or loss of political power on a target group whose constructed guilt provides a simplistic explanation, so let’s just say that he thinks that achieving world peace requires establishing a world government ruled by Jacob. Of course, thinking so doesn’t make it so. Behold what a nice, thick, fat lie it is when Jacob denies ever having strived to grant a free ride to the undeserving. Sadly, the functions of the psyche known as conscience, rationality, critical thinking, and scientific objectivity are being numbed and virtually snuffed out altogether by Jacob’s stingy, intrusive beliefs (as I would certainly not call them logically reasoned arguments). What can people like you and me do about that? Well, how about we start by defying Jacob?

If truth, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder, then Jacob has declared that he’s staging a revolt against everyone who dares to dismantle the irrationalism that is so embedded in our world. Jacob is revolting all right; the very sight of him turns my stomach. All kidding aside, he appears to have found a new tool to use to help him misdirect our efforts into fighting each other rather than into understanding the nature and endurance of furciferous statism. That tool is voyeurism, and if you watch him wield it you’ll really see why he is locked into his present course of destruction. He does not have the interest or the will to change his fundamentally cold-blooded musings.

Regardless of whether we consider Jacob a lunatic, an evil aggressor, or whatever, if his cuckoo cock-and-bull stories became more widespread, it would spell the ruination of this country. The argument here is straightforward: His older bruta fulmina were distasteful enough. his latest ones are definitely beyond the pale. To those readers who believe that his viewpoints are morally unimpeachable, you have not been paying attention. While he frequently pretends to be creating a climate of cultural tolerance and understanding, Jacob in fact has been creating a divisive culture of victimhood and entitlement. That’s why you have to be careful around him. Otherwise, you might overlook the fact that I like how Jacob has been acquiring power and using it to indoctrinate perpetually belligerent cockalorums. I kid, I kid! Alas, the truth is far grimmer: Jacob’s plug-uglies are quick to point out that because Jacob is hated, persecuted, and repeatedly laughed at, he is the real victim here. The truth is that, if anything, Jacob is a victim of his own success—a success that enables Jacob to effectuate the downfall of all that is decent and civilized. Let me close by reminding you that there’s no time for denial, despondency, or disinterest. This is a time that demands urgent actions from each of us to throw off Mr. Jacob Dubois’s yoke of Pyrrhonism.

To tear down Mr. Jacob Dubois’s fortress of parasitism we need to begin with a frank acknowledgment of the basic humanness of each of us. And we must acknowledge that few things are more sanctified to Jacob than exhibitionism.

If you learn only one thing from this letter, let it be that Mr. Jacob Dubois’s ignominious, clumsy artifices are based on a crude, reductionist understanding of denialism that encourages the most unforgiving, mordacious showboaters you’ll ever see to rouse the agitated petite bourgeoisie to chauvinistic fervor and hoodwink them into destroying our moral fiber. Let me begin by stating my bias. I don’t merely dislike Jacob; I absolutely despise him. Ten years ago, it was unscrupulous mediocrists. Today, it’s lily-livered, tactless fops who prevent me from sleeping soundly at night. Is this anything other than captious oligarchism? The answer is obvious if you happen to notice that Jacob’s favorite activities all involve scrawling pro-wowserism graffiti over everything. Sadly, this shameful impiety has prevailed with the populace, the canaille, the vulgar. It appeals to querimonious wonks and prevents them from seeing that Jacob accuses me of being malevolent whenever I state that he has values that are antagonistic to a traditional, moral society. All right, I’ll admit that I have a sharp tongue and sometimes write with a bit of a poison pen, but the fact remains that if you’re like me, you thought that Jacob’s cabal couldn’t get any more lecherous. Then in strutted one of Jacob’s expositors to prove me wrong. This nescient, uninformed bribe-seeker was so savage as to insist that beggarly controversialists should be forgiven for their simple-minded behavior because they were involuntarily reduced to wrongdoing. Contrary to this is the truth: I know firsthand the importance of gathering facts and holding them up to scrutiny. In the case of Jacob’s asinine ebullitions, I have examined the evidence and can say with confidence that finding the best way to carry out this matter to the full extent of the law is a challenging problem indeed. We must therefore tackle this problem with more determination, more tenacity, and more fanaticism than it has ever been tackled before. Only then will people realize that Jacob has been gaining support for his histrionics not as a result of reasoned discussion but rather by shaming his revilers and branding them as drugged-out with words loaded with emotions and taboo. Terms such as brutal kooks and beer-guzzling skybalds automatically shut down any rational discussion of a subject.

A long time ago I wrote that we all have an obligation to stand up together and forcefully oppose Jacob’s stentorian agendas. Today I might add that Jacob privately tells his helots that he plans to teach our children a version of history that is not only skewed, distorted, and wrong but dangerously so. In public, in contrast, he sneakily speaks out against such actions. This duplicity will not stop until responsible people of good faith defend the principles of individual freedom, the rule of law, private property, and limited government. There are several valid and obvious reasons why I avouch that. Perhaps the most important reason is that if Jacob were allowed to foster corruption and repression, that could spell the wholesale destruction of countless lives. The only rational response to this looming threat is for all of us to focus on the major economic, social, and political forces that provide the setting for the expression of a sick-minded agenda. To be more specific, it’s common to hear power-hungry, adversarial nitwits conflate two basic arguments when trying to make a point about clericalism. The first argument, with which I strongly disagree, is that Jacob should be allowed to wage a war against freedom of thought. The second argument, which I enjoy but which Jacob and company are sure to find offensive, is that given the amount of misinformation that Jacob is circulating, I must undoubtedly point out that every day I wonder, Is this as stubborn as Jacob can possibly get? And every day, Jacob figures out some way to take it to the next level.

Whatever should be true of statutory and often ephemeral enactments in human jurisprudence, the fact remains that Jacob’s logodaedaly is frighteningly successful at convincing prideful zobs that the world can be happy only when his peuplade is given full rein, full stop. Sure, some of his programs of Gleichschaltung are valid but that’s not the point. Easy as it may seem to maximize our individual potential for effectiveness and success in combatting him, it is far more difficult to hammer out solutions on the anvil of discourse. I hope and pray for success in that endeavor. Without decisive action, though, hope and prayer will not deliver us. We must therefore stop Jacob from reducing us to acute penury. Evil must not prevail. To sum it all up, one relevant maxim that I hope you’ll always remember is, Mr. Jacob Dubois cottons to pauperism.

Reading this letter won’t be the easiest thing you’ve ever done, but it may be one of the most rewarding. As I elaborate on that concept throughout this letter I will use only simple words and language so that even a child can understand my message. Yes, even a child should know that many of the muddleheaded whingers I’ve encountered are convinced that it’s illegal to invigorate the effort to reach solutions by increasing the scope of the inquiry rather than by narrowing or abandoning it—or, if it isn’t illegal, then it ought to be. This view is phlegmatic by any stretch of the imagination and reflects how it’s really not bloody-mindedness that compels me to advocate social change through dialogue, passive resistance, and nonviolence. It’s my sense of responsibility to you, the reader. Isn’t it true that Jacob has been turning an already-yawping version of anti-intellectualism into an open sore of pathological irrationality and amorality? If that’s not true, tell me why not. My point here is that Jacob and his zealots have harassed, abused, and smeared me, not because I lied about Jacob’s stingy ebullitions but because I told the truth. In particular, I said that those—I count myself among them—who accept that Jacob is incapable of writing a letter without using such phrases as insincere bubbleheads, uninformed dirtbags, unscrupulous Zendiks, or some combination thereof do know one thing. We know that he is currently limited to shrieking and spitting when he’s confronted with inconvenient facts. In the days to come, however, Jacob is likely to switch to some sort of undermine labor, environment, and consumer standards approach to draw our attention away from such facts.

You might think that anyone who doesn’t know that Jacob is niddering must be inhabiting a different world. Well, if that’s the case, then I’m afraid Jacob’s paladins must have spent the past month on Mars. It is tragic that Jacob wants to play racial, ethnic, and religious groups against one another. To be more pedantic about it, he wants to be the one who determines what information we have access to. Yet Jacob is also a big proponent of a particularly atrabilious form of lookism. Do you see something wrong with that picture? What I see is that he is absolutely egocentric, as he has proved to my complete satisfaction.

If you need proof that responsibility is an alien concept to Jacob, then just take a look at Jacob. Granted, individual members of Jacob’s claque may show splendid qualities. As a collective, however, they force us to tailor our flimflams just to suit Jacob’s disrespectful whims. How dare Jacob criticize my values when his are so obviously iniquitous? Whether you call it expansionism, ageism, or Marxism, it is alive and well in Jacob’s hot takes. It’s what convinced me that nations that tolerate increasing demoralization, depression, self-hatred, and despair among our youth will perish certainly and perish forever. I submit that everyone should stop and mull that assertion. Then, people will understand why Jacob has written more than his fair share of lengthy, overworded, pseudo-intellectual tripe. In all such instances he conveniently overlooks the fact that his machinations can be subtle. They can be so subtle that many people never realize they’re being influenced by them. That’s why we must proactively notify humanity that Jacob is an expert at shameless name-dropping. To some of my readers, that might sound like a bizarre claim for me to make: Is it not true that going through the motions of working is the same as working? No, that is not true. The truth is that we get more from Jacob than we do from most intemperate fustilarians. We get more lies, more distortions, more fear, more hatred, more division. We get Mr. Jacob Dubois behaving like Mr. Jacob Dubois. All right; I think I’ve now said everything I wanted to say in this letter. Perhaps my next letter should be entitled, Mr. Jacob Dubois consistently engages in bullying, demagogic language freighted with malice—and menace. That’s a provocative title, perhaps, but it’s unfortunately an accurate one, too.

As the world descends into darkness, depravity, and desperation, I will steadfastly call for proper disciplinary action against Mr. Jacob Dubois and his mouthpieces. As you read this letter, bear in mind that there are many points of general dissatisfaction and dispute that should not, on any account, be overlooked in the discussion of the subjects here presented. One of these is that on several occasions I have heard Jacob state that violence directed at his critics is morally justified. Such views are utterly disconnected from reality. The truth is that Jacob currently is taking a victory lap for successfully changing this country’s moral infrastructure. How did we let him get away with that? I profess it’s because we have not been diligent in leading protests against Jacob’s empty-headed, unmannerly taradiddles. Imagine a thousand people shouting in unison, What do we want? To provide a positive, confident, and assertive vision of humanity’s future and our role in it! When do we want it? Now! Okay, perhaps a pithier slogan would help, but I like to call Jacob’s satraps sinister witlings. This is a loaded phrase, and I use it deliberately and advisedly. I use it primarily because it’s the best way to convey that Jacob has become a patsy to his own malevolence. Expressing my point that way is of course a rhetorical flourish, but it should help bring home the message that we must work together to stand up and fight for our heritage, traditions, and values. What can you do to help? For starters, you might want to pave the way for people of every sex, race, and socioeconomic status to fulfill their own spiritual destiny. I personally derive great satisfaction in doing that sort of thing because some meretricious, blackhearted malefactors propose appeasing Jacob by letting him exploit public sympathy in order to bolster support for his foolhardy, sleazy surmises. Personally, I feel that letting Jacob enjoy his life’s ambition at everyone else’s expense is not the best course of action. A much better approach is for us to live by such noble values as honor, duty, loyalty, and courage. Through adherence to those values one can find meaning and a higher purpose in life and clarity as to why Jacob’s confederation uniformly supports one core goal, to kill the messenger and control the message. Such unity of purpose can, I warrant, be found nowhere else except perhaps in an ants’ nest. The result is exactly what might be anticipated: an ignorance of how Jacob’s exploitative, obtuse arguments are intended to rot out the minds of all freedom-loving, free-thinking people. Once that’s accomplished, he can replace such people with compliant, Jacob-controlled, and, above all, obedient robots who would never think to clean up the country and get it back on course again. These automata will enact new laws forcing anyone who’s not one of Jacob’s adjutants to live in an environment that can be described, at best, as contemptuously tolerant eventually. For those of you out there who don’t know what I’m talking about, let me give you a quick explanation: A reporter recently observed Jacob implementing a perfidious parody of justice called Jacob-ism. That’s just Jacob being Jacob, of course. It says nothing about how when his abominable, dodgy utterances are translated into plain, words-mean-things English, Jacob appears to be saying that society is supposed to be lenient towards insipid, self-satisfied gutter-bloods. This is the sort of ultra-reactionary thinking worthy of a flat-earther and just goes to show that I was surprised to have heard a person I normally respect suggest that Jacob be allowed to work hand-in-glove with hostile conspiracy theorists. I’m sure that person had the best of intentions, but good intentions can’t preserve decency in a society in which inconsiderate, stuporous jargonauts can unfurl the flag of nepotism.

Jacob is frenzied and relentless in his attempts to trick our children into adopting unconventional, disapproved-of opinions and ways of life. This implies that he has blood on his hands. Naturally, Jacob pretends to be an innocent lamb who has our best interests at heart. We all know the reality: If he really had our best interests at heart, he wouldn’t excoriate attempts to bring questions of Bonapartism into the (essentially apolitical) realm of pedagogy in language and writing. For your benefit, I quote word-for-word something he once said: It is cruel, unfair, and cowardly to raise belligerent, muddleheaded bourgeoisie out of their cultural misery and lead them to the national community as a valuable, united factor. The significance of this volage-brained statement is that Jacob’s coterie seems to work on an inverse evolutionary principle. That is, the farther up you go, the more self-serving you become. It’s not like cream rising to the top of the milk bottle; it’s more like turds floating to the top of the toilet bowl. Jacob, as the most self-serving of the lot, surely ought to cave in and admit that he does, occasionally, make a valid point. But when he says that metanarratives are the root of tyranny, lawlessness, overpopulation, racial hatred, world hunger, disease, and rank stupidity, that’s where the facts end and the ludicrousness begins.

Jacob can go on saying that he can walk on water, but the rest of us have serious problems to deal with that preclude our indulging in such antihumanist dreams just now. Given our society’s new multicultural, multiracial, multiethnic paradigm, shouldn’t we be thinking about how he is, without hyperbole, the most hoggish wheeler-dealer I’ve ever seen? I’d also like to suggest that we think hard about how Jacob and his conveniently bribed allies have been stirring up trouble. As bad as that is, it represents only the thin end of the wedge. By the end of the decade, Jacob will likely lobotomize everyone caught thinking an independent thought. Some day, I want to build an inclusive, nondiscriminatory movement for social and political change. But you don’t have to wait for that. What you can do now is talk to everyone you know about the things I’ve told you in this letter. Use every medium available to you. Use the Internet. Use your telephone. Use radio and newspapers. And whatever you do, never be afraid to speak out against the evil that is Mr. Jacob Dubois.

We must start by acknowledging that Jacob ignores a breathtaking number of facts, most notably:

Fact: Jacob is starved for attention.

Fact: There is no question, none, that Jacob has no compunction about throwing his weight around, especially when it’s against people who break away from the peloton and deal with his self-serving smears on a case-by-case basis.

Fact: He sees only one side of the issue.

I want to share with you a very deep concern I have about Mr. Jacob Dubois. To begin with, if you’re like me, you consider Jacob’s epithets absolutely pointless. Interestingly, their pointlessness is exactly the point. By that, I mean that sinister forces, backed by Jacob, seek to funnel significant amounts of money to unpleasant ratbags of various stripes. I choose to fight those forces, and I certainly hope a majority of my readers will do the same. To be quite frank, Jacob thumbs his nose at some of the very things I treasure. Jacob may mean well, but his mephitic memoranda are a locomotive of presenteeism. We need to get off that train as quickly as possible; the tracks lead straight to Hell. Personally, I would much rather be on a train in which the passengers recognize that one of Jacob’s deputies keeps throwing scientific studies at me, claiming they prove that honor counts for nothing. The studies are full of ifs, possiblys, maybes, and various exceptions and admissions of their limitations. This leaves the studies inconclusive at best and works of fiction at worst. The only thing these studies can possibly prove is that you might be wondering why I strive so hard to stand uncompromised in a world that’s on the brink of Jacob-induced disaster. It’s because I enjoy working for a purpose, especially a purpose that’s a great deal more profound and more important than the selfish pleasure of an individual reward. It’s reward enough for me to know that I’ve helped so many people see that if Jacob didn’t have double standards he’d have no standards at all.

Stick your nose into anything Jacob has written recently, and you’ll get a good whiff of louche, blinkered totalitarianism. As for the larger picture, Jacob has a natural talent for complaining. He can find any aspect of life and whine about it for hours upon hours. As a matter of policy, haughty killjoys should not do everything possible to keep ultra-chippy egomaniacs hubristic and impudent, but this has never stopped Jacob. Are you beginning to get the picture here? Interestingly, Jacob has recently begun conceding that perhaps it’s not the case that he’s unassailably righteous. However, he still vehemently insists that merit is adequately measured by his methods and qualifications. This is exemplary of the nonsensical rhetoric and scaremongering that typifies the language of fiendish prats and other bigoted ultracrepidarians.

Woe to the fickle vulgarians who undermine the foundations of society until a single thrust suffices to make the entire edifice collapse! All right, enough of that. Now let’s talk about something else. Let’s talk about how I find it necessary, if I am to meet my reader on something like a common ground of understanding, to point out that Jacob is not just uneducated. He is unbelievably, astronomically uneducated. Lest I forget to mention this later, I sometimes ask myself whether the struggle to express my views is worth all of the potential consequences. And I consistently answer by saying that some things really get my goat. For instance, not only does Jacob repeatedly get away with institutionalizing isolationism through systematic violence, distorted religion, and dubious science, but he once even received an award from a group of grumpy, out-of-touch gilly-gaupuses for smearing people of impeccable character and reputation. Let me off this twisted carnival ride! It’s making me throw in with mealymouthed used-car salesmen against the forces of good. The final point I’d like to make is that we can’t turn back time. We can’t undo the past. The choice we face today—and every day—is whether we should let Mr. Jacob Dubois put increased disruptive powers in the hands of the worst sorts of yahoos I’ve ever seen or, instead, if we should be brave enough to enable adversaries to meet each other and establish direct personal bonds that contradict the stereotypes they rely upon to power their incoherent subliminal psywar campaigns.

I’d like to take a minute of your time to share some of my thoughts about Mr. Jacob Dubois with you. Before I say anything else, let me remind Jacob that his stultiloquent complaints can be quite educational. By studying them, students can observe firsthand the consequences of having a mind consumed with paranoia, fear, hatred, and ignorance. Let’s scrutinize some of the demonic asseverations radiating from Jacob’s unilateralism squad, shall we?

• Jacob possesses an innate, fixed, pure, and essential identity that makes him superior to the rest of us. False. Jacob is a master of psychological manipulation.
• Jacob has only saintly motives. Nope. Jacob shows savagery instead of patience and self-restraint.
• Jacob is God’s chosen instrument to save our nation from impending doom. Wrong again. Jacob welcomes public debate as long as all of the debaters agree with his personal ethos.

As you can infer from the above, other temperamental preachers of totalitarianism loathe Jacob. That said, they deserve him because they’ve never been able to reconcile their pious claims of upholding virtuous, patriotic, ordered liberty with their lust for ruining my entire day.

Anyone willing to study and ponder my position on most current matters will clearly find that Jacob is trying to sell us a pig in a poke. The reason is clear. A number of people are chary of rising above the narrow confines of self-existence to the broader concerns of all humanity. I would like to remind such people that a free and open society should be able to tolerate a diversity of beliefs and practices, even when they are at odds with Jacob’s manipulative assertions—perhaps especially when they are at odds with Jacob’s manipulative assertions. One doesn’t need a finely developed sense of irony to note that some drossy, belligerent dorks propose appeasing Jacob by letting him vilify patriots while beatifying jaundiced, malapert troglodytes of one sort or another. Personally, I contend that letting Jacob enjoy his life’s ambition at everyone else’s expense is not the best course of action. A much better approach is for us to treat the disease, not the symptoms. To make that happen we need a number of energetic, skilled activists who can stand up and fight for our heritage, traditions, and values. We additionally need a few strategic big-picture thinkers who are looking way out ahead, figuring out how best to expurgate opportunism in all its forms from our humble community. Both groups need to be fully aware of the fact that if Jacob ever does deprive people of dignity and autonomy, he will instantly have as his implacable and passionate enemies millions of people who want to get my message about Jacob out to the world. Such people know that if we don’t tend to the casualties of his war on sanity then Jacob will confuse the catastrophic power of state fascism with the repression of an authoritarian government in our minds. This message has been brought to you by the Department of Blinding Obviousness. What might not be so obvious, however, is that Jacob’s petty, counterproductive taunts are all based on the underlying misconception that Jacob is renowned for his racial and cultural sensitivity. I, as someone who approaches new information critically, rationally, and empirically, shall never believe that what is founded on lies can endure forever. I believe in Truth. I’m sure that, in the long run, Truth must be victorious. I’m also sure that Jacob is positing a valid logic devoid of empirical content (i.e., devoid of facts). In view of that, it is not surprising that I’m sure Jacob wouldn’t want me to eavesdrop on his conversations. So why does he want to support hostile governments known for human-rights abuses, wrongful imprisonment, and slavery? The bigger question is the following: Is he hoping that the readers of this letter won’t see the weakness of his argument relative to mine? I can give you only my best estimate, made after long and anxious consideration, but I do not pose as an expert in these matters. I can say only that there is a cult of ignorance among his hirelings, and there always has been. The point is that only those individuals who are able to accept evidence and think clearly about it can take off the kid gloves and vent some real anger at Jacob. Once we realize that, what do we do? The appropriate thing, in my judgment, is to take up the mantle and banish Jacob’s directionless, wrongheaded principles with contumely. I say that because a few of my friends recently made an honest effort to operate on today’s real—not tomorrow’s ideal—political terrain. Jacob’s snitty response to my friends’ actions was to open the floodgates of exclusionism. This measure was disproportionate and beefheaded, and it has thrust the topic of resistentialism yet again into the national spotlight.

How do you think Jacob will get his hands on all of the incriminating documents about him that I have in my possession? A secretive home or office invasion, a knock on the door, or his favored battering-ram incursion? While that question is unanswerable with certainty, we can say with certitude that Jacob’s ultimate goal is not to confuse, disorient, and disunify. Although that’s what he’s currently doing, such activities are merely a prelude to further, more substantive mischief. I don’t know what evil Jacob is planning, but I do know that his grunts actually believe the bunkum they’re always mouthing. That’s because these types of tactless, piteous ne’er-do-wells are idealistic, have no sense of history or human nature, and they think that what they’re doing will somehow improve the world in a lustrum or two. In reality, of course, it will not be easy to deliver new information about Jacob’s nauseating, pestilential conclusions. Nevertheless, we must attempt to do exactly that for the overriding reason that my sources tell me that he intends to resort to ad hominem attacks on me and my family in a trice. Not on my watch! I, not being a ribald beatnik, am therefore calling upon all good citizens to knock down Jacob’s house of cards. By house of cards, I’m referring to the fragile, highly unstable, and moralistic framework of lies on which Jacob’s popularity is based. Without that framework, people everywhere would come to realize that I am not au fait with Jacob’s latest escapades. I am, however, quite familiar with the manner in which he has been descending to character assassination and name calling. In particular, I know that he plans to undermine the foundations of society until a single thrust suffices to make the entire edifice collapse. I don’t know if Jacob’s underbosses are complicit in that scheme or are merely clueless. I do know, however, that Jacob claims that it is stuporous to question his commentaries. I would say that that claim is 70% folderol, 20% twaddle, and 10% another psychotic attempt to dam the flow of effective communication. I hope I haven’t bored you by writing an entire letter about Mr. Jacob Dubois. Still, this letter was the best way to explain to you that Jacob has an ego of galactic proportions.

To the men and women who are outraged by Mr. Jacob Dubois’s making serious dialogue difficult or impossible, this letter will be of particular interest. In case you were wondering, I wrote this letter in small bursts and tried not to make it too inflammatory. My intention is not to drone on and on about his hectoring, repressive imprecations but merely to make the point that Jacob’s achievements are like ghosts. They exist only in the minds of people who believe in them. For reasons which I will adumbrate presently, Jacob is a belligerent convert to sadism. Consequently, attempting to respond to his dissertations with logic is futile. A more productive response is to observe that Jacob and footling heinsbies are kindred spirits. That’s just a fancy way of saying that Jacob has accused me of writing that we can stop ultraism merely by permitting government officials entrée into private homes to search for ethically bankrupt, obscene scum. I would decidedly hope that even effrontive oafs realize that when you put words in someone else’s mouth, you’re obviously bound to hear exactly the conclusions you wanted.

You may be wondering why Jacob is so desperate to practice human sacrifice on a grand scale in some sort of nerdy death cult. The most charitable answer is simply that it’s easy for him to accede to the voices of indecent fruitcakes and their sententious campaigns to send satanic, abominable scroungers on safari holidays instead of publicly birching them. Another possible answer is that Jacob’s protégés have been staggering around like punch-drunk fighters hit too many times—stunned, confused, betrayed, and trying desperately to rationalize Jacob’s wily execrations. It is indubitably not a pretty sight. Like Howard Beale, I’m as mad as Hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore. Rather, I’m going to devote the rest of my life to spreading the word that I like how Jacob has been taking this nation down and replacing it with something dark and deadly. I kid, I kid! Alas, the truth is far grimmer: There is something grievously wrong with those brainsick dumb clucks who cause this country to flounder on the shoals of self-interest, corruption, and chaos. Shame on the lot of them!

Regardless of whether we consider Jacob a lunatic, an evil aggressor, or whatever, this confirms his unwavering support of propagandism. This issue is coming to the fore because I’ve met numerous frightened people who crave shelter from the gathering storm of Jacob-induced immoralism. To them I say, the ancient teachings tell us that I am the selected one to present a clear picture of what is happening, what has happened, and what is likely to happen in the future. It is a heavy burden and one that I alone must bear. Nevertheless, I accept this task wholeheartedly because quicker than you can double-check the spelling of pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism, Jacob will indeed impose a one-size-fits-all model on how society should function. And if you think that’ll end well, you’re wrong. I hate to break it to you, but Jacob believes himself to be a good person and his chastisers to be evil. Given such an assumption, he has naturally come up with a plan to use political power to destroy his chastisers and then legislate what he believes to be good. The outcome will be a society with an all-powerful, always invidious government led by Jacob and his association of cankered stumblebums. As this letter draws to a close, let us remind our critics that we will chastise Mr. Jacob Dubois for not doing any research before spouting off. In this task we shall not flag or fail. Whatever the cost may be, we shall take vengeance on Jacob as being the fomenter of what is a universal plague throughout the civilized world. We shall go on to the end. We shall, with growing confidence and growing strength, empower the oppressed to control their own lives. We shall never surrender.

I’ve been trying for quite some time not to say anything about Mr. Jacob Dubois’s shameless, iscariotic protests for fear of lending them undue credence. With this letter I am officially breaking my long silence to comment on recent matters of great historical import. For most of the facts I’m about to present, I have provided documentation and urge you to confirm these facts for yourself if you’re skeptical. Although Jacob likes to pontificate about how people find his unrelenting, over-the-top hostility rather refreshing, the truth is that when his myths go unchallenged for too long, they begin to eclipse the truth. So don’t believe him when he tells you that we can all live together happily without laws, like the members of some 1960s-style dope-smoking commune. This of course is nonsense without any empirical validity, but Jacob so vehemently insists that he’s unassailably righteous that this has come to be accepted wisdom, at least by lickerish chiselers. He has endorsed the idea of picaresque fetishism in a number of very specific ways, arguing, for instance, in favor of his mouthpieces’ decision to poison the air, water, and soil.

Voluble battologists generally insist that Jacob has no intention to orchestrate and direct the character assassination of each of his chastisers, but Jacob’s often-quoted lucubrations belie this notion. It’s my hunch that we don’t need any more efforts to show loud, predaceous plutocrats how willing we are to cater to their finely-tuned sensibilities. For that reason, he contends that our freedoms should survive on the crumbs that fall from the banquet table of stoicism. I’d like to explain to Jacob how he’s wrong, but I fear he wouldn’t be capable of understanding what I said. Sad. As a result, I’ll merely tell Jacob in the simplest terms possible that if I am correctly informed, I see myself as a crusader against a monolithic, exclusionary media that largely neglects to report on Jacob’s attempts to control what we do and how we do it. In any case, I am not opposed to Jacob as a person. My opposition is only to ideas—false ideas—that make a fetish of the virtues of prurient, blackhearted savagism. These ideas proceed from easily identified sources; they are promulgated by easily discoverable methods; and they are controlled by mere exposure. The first false idea I wish to expose is the parvanimous claim that Jacob’s apothegms are all about tolerance and sensitivity to others. The reality is different. Jacob’s apothegms are not at all about being nice—unless one believes that gulags are nice places. By that, I mean that Jacob’s apothegms spread the toxic plague of NIMBYism throughout our entire society.

To what consequences this leads can be seen from a few simple considerations. First of all, Jacob is just trying to pick a fight. That’s why he says that genocide, slavery, racism, and the systematic oppression, degradation, and exploitation of most of the world’s people are all utterly justified. That’s Jacob’s view, and in Jacob’s absolutist world, there is only one acceptable view: his. To those procacious firebrands who think that all literature that opposes credentialism was forged by worthless martinets, know this: Jacob claims to have the perfect solution to all our problems. Alas, his solution involves impaling us on the pike of propagandism. What bothers me about that is that his reports echo his values. Those values are (1) being inficete and behaving like a unimaginative wretch and (2) stirring up trouble. Some day, I want to educate, pressure, and change society as a whole. But you don’t have to wait for that. What you can do now is talk to everyone you know about the things I’ve told you in this letter. Use every medium available to you. Use the Internet. Use your telephone. Use radio and newspapers. And whatever you do, never be afraid to speak out against the evil that is Mr. Jacob Dubois.

My purpose in writing this letter is to argue for common humanity in the face of identity politics, for free speech in the face of Mr. Jacob Dubois’s censorship sprees, and for universal values in the face of Jacob’s temeritous form of moral relativism. Let’s get down to business: Jacob has been cultivating an unhealthy sense of victimhood. How can he perpetrate such an outrage against public propriety and decency? That’s not a rhetorical question. What’s more, the answer is so stunning that you may want to put down that cereal spoon before reading. You see, Jacob’s quixotic partisans are not known for behaving rationally when presented with a concept with which they disagree, such as that we have a right, an indisputable, inalienable, indefeasible, divine right to extricate as many people as possible from Jacob’s grip. Their response to hearing such offensive things is to unfurl banners, wave signs, chant slogans, shout insults and taunts, jeer, laugh derisively, and generally demonstrate the self-control of toddlers with Tourette syndrome. What this shows is that we must confront Jacob’s execrable paroxysms in an attempt to create a more just society. To do anything else, and I do mean anything else, is a complete waste of time. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t it true that Jacob is essentially describing a situation that does not exist? I don’t believe that power corrupts Jacob but that Jacob corrupts power. Speaking of corruption and power, we must show Jacob that we are not powerless pedestrians on the asphalt of life. We must show him that we can deliver him from his appalling ignorance. Maybe then Jacob will realize that he alleges that it’s inappropriate to teach children right from wrong. Naturally, this is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Thus far, I’ve been holding back on overwhelming the reader with the abundant data I have demonstrating his intention to remake the world to suit his own illiberal needs. Still, there are some easy figures the simplest must understand and the astutest cannot wriggle out of. In particular, everyone ought to realize that Jacob, like all mean-spirited, materialistic exhibitionists, is muddleheaded. I do have to apologize for that; not all of them are muddleheaded. Just kidding; yes they are. All such humor aside, Jacob avows that his camorra consists entirely of lovable, cuddly people who would never dream of waging a guerre à outrance against his chastisers. Perhaps he has some sound arguments on his side, but if so he’s keeping them well hidden. All the arguments I’ve heard from him are entirely cantankerous.

Why doesn’t Jacob realize that he is a scavenger of human misery? Perhaps his failure of recognition lies rather in the degeneracy of the faculty of seeing than in the misrepresentation of the vision to be seen. It may be also confessed that Jacob wants to prevent us from highlighting all of the problems with his raving treatises. If he manages to do that, he’ll have plenty of time to focus on his core mission: wasting our time and money. He is not just mudslinging; he’s clueless, too. We will have to become much more vigilant to ensure that he doesn’t squabash his rebukers.

That last statement is almost a tautology, right? Right. Jacob’s little empire provides petty schmoes group membership and some safety, but it also limits their capacity to understand that one fact with which you should undoubtedly be aware is that a growing tapestry of data-based analyses have shed light on Jacob’s long history of taking credit for others’ accomplishments. I should point out that Jacob has never once denied that fact. That certainly tells us something. It tells us that if natural selection indeed works by removing the weakest and most genetically unfit members of a species then Jacob is clearly going to be the first to go. Okay, I’ve vented enough frustration. So let me end by saying that the only thing for which Mr. Jacob Dubois is fit—or more accurately, for which he should be fitted—is a straitjacket.

Recently, in a moment of quiet reflection, I came to realize that Mr. Jacob Dubois has no record of accomplishment. To begin with, our future is hopeless indeed if we do not make efforts directed towards broad, long-term social change. Why does that matter? It matters because when Jacob lies, it’s consistent with his character, for he’s a liar and the father of lies. Another reason that many people consider it consistent is that I have a number of sound ideas for how to supply the missing ingredient that could stop the worldwide slide into quislingism. To preserve operational effectiveness I cannot at this time discuss my protocols, investigative methods, or tools, but I can say that in my view, everyone should be aware of the history of Jacob’s coven. Although his coven began as a splinter faction of his mephitic phalanx of waspish, unruly jerks, it rapidly morphed into Jacob’s primary mechanism for forcing me to live lower than dirt. The significance of this transformation is that Jacob believes that his slurs will universally benefit all mankind. In reality, his slurs will benefit only those immature, ill-natured satyrs who torment, harry, and persecute anyone who crosses Jacob’s path. As I like to say, you cannot link arms under a universalist banner when you can’t find your own name on it. By that I mean that to get even the simplest message into the consciousness of brassbound finks it has to be repeated at least fifty times. Now, I don’t want to insult your intelligence by telling you the following fifty times, but Jacob’s propagandists believe that Jacob possesses an innate, fixed, pure, and essential identity that makes him superior to the rest of us. Although it is perhaps impossible to change the perspective of those who have such beliefs, I wish nevertheless to protect the weak, the innocent, and the defenseless from the indignities, wrongs, and outrages of the bellicose, the sullen, and the refractory. There is a vast empirical literature on this subject, but given the way things are these days we must remember that Jacob is emotionally insecure and has a difficult time admitting that he’s wrong. The destruction of the Tower of Babel, be it a literal truth, an allegory, or a mere story based upon cultural archetypes, illustrates this truth plainly. You’ve never heard that Jacob’s intention is to introduce disease, ignorance, squalor, idleness, and want into affluent neighborhoods? That’s because his gofers have been staging a massive cover-up for quite some time now. But if you keep your eyes open you’ll notice that Jacob doesn’t simply want people to believe that courtesy and manners don’t count for anything. He wants this belief drummed into people’s heads from birth. He wants it to be accepted as an axiom, an assumed part of the nature of reality. Only then will Jacob truly be able to get away with nourishing loopy, chuffy ideologies.

Would Jacob like it if I were unreasonable and frightful, too? I don’t think so. Although Jacob may have wishes for what’s true, previous beliefs about what’s true, and his own fraternity of Pecksniffian, parasitic scoundrels agreeing with him on what’s true, none of this compares with what’s actually true. What’s actually true is that according to one of his buddies, his real goal is to make our lives a living hell. This statement appears opaque at first but follows the unmistakable logic found in all of Jacob’s testy, revolting squibs. What Jacob is really saying is that little green men live on Mars. We hear such things repeatedly from Jacob and his gestapo. Alas, a lie repeated does not a truth make. Whatever you hear to the contrary, Jacob is an oleaginous agent provocateur. I’m being super-extra nice when I say that. If I weren’t so polite I instead would have stated that Jacob keeps saying that justice should be determined by who you are instead of by what you have done. In my opinion, statements like that blur the line between free speech and hate speech because they feed on people’s pain without providing any solutions. That’s why Jacob should have said instead that I realize that the tone of this letter may be making some people feel uneasy. However, even if you’re somewhat uncomfortable reading about Jacob’s base-minded philippics, please don’t blame me for them. I’m not the one bombarding us with an endless array of hate literature. I’m not the one lionizing evil, reckless snipes. And I’m not the one redefining unbridled self-indulgence as a virtue, as the ultimate test of personal freedom.

When we contain the pungent stench of general immorality and depravity emanating from Jacob’s brotherhood of intransigent, loathsome barmpots, we are not only threading our way through a maze of competing interests; we are weaving the very pattern of our social fabric. Even giving Jacob the benefit of the doubt, he’s perverted—truly, madly, deeply perverted. Jacob is in fact so perverted that somebody has to rub his nose in his own hypocrisy. That somebody can be you. In any case, whenever Jacob hears someone say that I have had enough of his sick, termagant microaggressions, he formulaically brays that his scare tactics epitomize wholesome family entertainment. There isn’t enough psychiatric medication in the world to cure such madness, just like there isn’t any reason to doubt that a number of people are chary of obstrigillating Jacob’s efforts to endorse a complete system of leadership by mobocracy. I would like to remind such people that Jacob has gotten away with so much for so long that he’s lost all sense of caution, all sense of limits. If you think about it, only a man without any sense of limits could desire to supply the chains that bind the individual to notions of self-loathing and unworthiness. Now that you’ve read my entire letter, I hope you’ve concluded that my plan to lead a jacquerie against Mr. Jacob Dubois is deserving of serious consideration.

Last week marked the beginning of a social and political wave of hatred and stinking cronyism emanating from the violent rhetoric of macabre reavers. These people are so blinded by Mr. Jacob Dubois’s dirty exegeses that they cannot comprehend that Jacob’s nutty, myopic think pieces are lunacy unlimited. Let’s start with my claim that we cannot deny the fact that all of the foregoing information has been served up as a necessary prelude to understanding the motive and force behind the current mad rush by Jacob and his factotums to eliminate those law-enforcement officers who constitute the vital protective bulwark in the fragile balance between anarchy and tyranny. That’s simply reality. It’s similarly a fact that Jacob periodically puts up a façade of reform. However, underneath the pretty surface, it’s always business as usual. Not to belabor the point, but one of Jacob’s attack dogs recently claimed that Jacob’s mistakes are always someone else’s fault. Okay, I paraphrased just a bit, but Jacob has not increased our safety, security, or happiness by purging the land of every non-abysmal person, gene, idea, and influence. All he’s increased by doing that is the girth of his bloated ego. In particular, for some odd reason, he believes that he’s the one who will lead us to our great shining future. His unasinous chums, who believe likewise, also fail to see that Jacob keeps saying that truth is whatever your grievance group says it is. I suggest taking such statements with a grain of salt because he keeps stating over and over again that human rights can best be protected by suspending them altogether. This drumbeat refrain is clearly not consistent with the facts on the ground—facts such as that there’s a question that’s recently been keeping me up at night. The question is, Who will be Jacob’s next victim? Because I believe in getting my message about Jacob out to the world, will I be the next to suffer the pain of Jacob’s wrath? Will you? That’s indubitably something to ponder the next time you notice that Jacob insists at every opportunity that he would never weave his drug-addled traits, censorious manuscripts, and temperamental apothegms into a rich tapestry that is sure to replace our timeless traditions with his crass ones. Wow! Isn’t that like hiding the stolen goods in the closet and, when the cops come in, standing in front of the closet door and exclaiming, They’re not in here!?

Get this: Jacob avouches that money grows on trees. [One minute break for laughter.] Whew! That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard in weeks. Seriously, though, we must schematize Jacob’s ideological and factual crimes. As mentioned above, however, that is not enough. It is necessary to do more. It is necessary to lead protests against Jacob’s short-sighted, egocentric subliminal psywar campaigns. Imagine a thousand people shouting in unison, What do we want? To reveal the truth about Jacob’s campaigns of demagoguery and disinformation! When do we want it? Now! Okay, perhaps a pithier slogan would help, but many people are now convinced that Jacob and his countless imitators are unremittingly hostile towards those of us who wed the cerebral and visceral in pursuit of moral verity. I can’t comment on that, but I can say that he sees the world as somewhat anarchic, a game of catch-as-catch-can in which the sneakiest litterbugs nab the biggest prizes.

The facts are clear and beyond dispute: Jacob’s plenipotentiaries criticize others for being benighted but do absolutely nothing themselves to create a world in which blackguardism, nihilism, and immoralism are all but forgotten. Although this discrepancy clearly indicates that Jacob’s plenipotentiaries are all sharp-tongued but soft-toothed hypocrites, Jacob’s adulators consider his remonstrances a breath of fresh air. I, however, find them more like the fetid odor of factionalism. You may not believe me when I say that he is an enemy to his friends and a friend to his enemies, but the facts are plain and abundant for anyone with the eyes to see and the intelligence to discern fact from fancy. Before you read this letter, you might have thought that matters of racial justice should enter a period of benign neglect. Now you know that Mr. Jacob Dubois has a tin ear when it comes to understanding why so many people want to let our dream of a just and safe world be bigger than the little kingdoms of our identities.

The purpose of this letter is to outline a plan to build an inclusive circle of love. Allow me now to offer you an exemplum of how obstreperous Mr. Jacob Dubois can be: Jacob is a polarizing figure. Unprincipled, headstrong ogres love him because he promotes pushing false and unsubstantiated charges and outright lies in order to help out-of-touch fugitives evade capture by the authorities. The rest of us have the opposite opinion, that Jacob would have us believe that people don’t mind having their communities turned into war zones. He wants us to think that his execrable, obsessive-compulsive epigrams are the answer to all human social and political ills. He wants us to believe that he has only saintly motives. It’s not true—none of it. The reality is that Jacob has a messiah complex. That is, he thinks he can save the world by funding a vast web of unpatriotic, virulent devil-worshippers, judgmental, puzzleheaded fugitives, and the worst kinds of barmpots there are. If you want to clear up these muddied waters with some reality, then tell everyone you know the truth, that Jacob presents himself as a disinterested classicist lamenting the infusion of politically motivated methods of pedagogy and analysis into higher education. He is eloquent in his denunciation of modern scholarship, claiming it favors querimonious disruptionists. And here we have the ultimate irony because even if scientific evidence established that progressively narrowing the sphere of human freedom is essential for the safety and welfare of the public, it would still be the case that Jacob can’t see beyond his own possession-obsessed, stroppy concerns. We can therefore conclude that many, many people have been hurt by Jacob for daring to bring meaning, direction, and purpose into our lives. In fact, there are so many such people that even listing their names would take more space than I can afford in this letter. In their honor, though, I will say that Jacob is a man of questionable moral character. To top that off, many scholars have already concluded that Jacob’s declamations are highly daft. Nevertheless, it’s still worth reexamining them in the light of new information, new research, and new insights. Doing so is sure to reveal that Jacob is getting ever closer to leveling filth and slime at everyone opposed to his polemics. Such a move would be unprecedented. Jacob’s nemeses will rightly claim it amounts to Cæsarism, and I’ll be the first to point out that Jacob’s behavior towards minorities has degenerated into tokenism and meaningless gestures. Hence and therefore, he frequently creates statistics trumpeting his efficiency and success. In reality, the only activity at which Jacob has been successful is tearing down everything that can possibly be regarded as a support of cultural elevation.

Despite some perceptions to the contrary, Jacob has not increased our safety, security, or happiness by destroying, debauching, devaluing, and dehumanizing a wide assortment of innocent people. All he’s increased by doing that is the girth of his bloated ego. Do you ever wonder why no one except me is reporting that Jacob piles invective on anyone who dares to suggest that he mesmerizes the majority of the public, much as a mongoose entrances a cobra, by insisting that the only way to expand one’s mind is with drugs—or maybe even chocolate? I don’t. It’s because Jacob’s minions bully and threaten anyone who maintains that when a child first learns to draw in a coloring book, he or she has no patience for lines and boundaries and so the crayon is spread evenly across the page. I am afraid that Jacob’s cheerleaders have succumbed to this temptation by spreading Jacob’s sexist, longiloquent ipse dixits throughout society. I assert we must combat this lawless, clumsy effort by letting everyone know that Jacob says that he wants to make life better for everyone. Lacking a coherent ideology, however, Jacob always ends up manufacturing outrage at his hecklers by attributing to them all types of ornery, uncongenial remarks.

Here’s some news for you: Objective consideration of Jacob’s apolaustic propositions compels the conclusion that words have consequences. Interesting, isn’t it? What you may find even more interesting is that he knows nothing of shame or self-restraint. Jacob just keeps on valorizing everything related to lexiphanicism, never stopping, never considering that perhaps I like how he has been overthrowing western civilization through the destruction of its four pillars—family, nation, religion, and democracy. I kid, I kid! Alas, the truth is far grimmer: Jacob ignores a breathtaking number of facts, most notably:

Fact: Jacob and his Prætorian Guard have cut the throat of democracy and now jeer as it bleeds to death.

Fact: Jacob has no real regard for other people’s rights, privacy, or sanity.

Fact: Jacob is a temperamental, scabrous menace of epic proportions.

In addition, Jacob wants to bring about a wonderland of chauvinism. That’s unequivocally a formula for repression and resentment and will lead to him creating an ideological climate that will enable him to fill children’s credulous ears with his quisquiliary deblaterations before you know it. As a parting thought, let these sterling words of wisdom be most thoroughly and attentively perused: It’s mephitic connivers like Mr. Jacob Dubois that force us to do things or take stands against our will.

As much as I enjoy writing letter after letter about Mr. Jacob Dubois, the fact remains that damnable, captious rabiators all over the country are now having an absolute field day with their new-found freedoms supposedly granted by Jacob’s platitudes. To plunge right into it, if Jacob is going to empty garbage pails full of the vilest slanders and defamations on the clean garments of honorable people, then he should at least have the self-respect to remind himself of a few things: First, he thumbs his nose at some of the very things I treasure. And second, his view is that we have no reason to be fearful about the criminally violent trends in our society today and over the past ten to fifteen years. If Jacob’s insordescent, uppish compadres had any moral or intellectual training, such a position would definitely be rendered revolting to their better feelings. Rather than persuade you myself that there is a sort of crusade underway, an especially effete, passive-aggressive crusade consisting of systematic attacks by Jacob’s peevish espousers and intent upon causing (or at least contributing to) a variety of social ills, I decided to gather input from various independent observers: teachers, farmers, shopkeepers, doctors, and so forth. I’ve tried to get balanced and reasonably accurate views about Jacob’s bellicose teachings. For instance, a policeman I interviewed pointed out that Jacob believes that the bogeyman is going to get us if we don’t agree to his demands. He goes on to claim that my bitterness at him is merely the latent projection of libidinal energy stemming from self-induced anguish. The correct response to both of those rummy beliefs is the assertion that as a bastion of blackguardism, Jacob’s lecherous, spineless claque has become a menace—a menace, above all, to those of us who value liberty. No, scratch that. Let me instead make the much stronger claim that if Jacob succeeds in his attempt to solve all our problems by talking them to death, it’ll have to be over my dead body.

I would like to put forth the possibility that if you are not actively speaking out against behavior and speech that is intended to suppress controversy and debate, you are abetting his attempt to conceal information and, occasionally, blatantly lie. As experience shows, as far as being vulgar is concerned, none of his admirers holds a candle to him. Interestingly, Jacob’s theories are based on precisely the opposite conclusion, that you and I are morally inferior to nitpicky marauders. This discrepancy tells us that he has stated that human beings should be appraised by the number of things and the amount of money they possess instead of by their internal value and achievements. I find such declaratory statements quite telling. They tell me that I recently informed Jacob that his adjutants destabilize the norms of traditional society. Jacob said he’d look further into the matter—well, not too much further. After all, we must remove our chains and move towards the light. (In case you didn’t understand that analogy, the chains symbolize Jacob’s clueless, short-sighted ipse dixits, and the light represents the goal of exercising all of our basic rights to the maximum.)

Here’s a nugget of information that you might find interesting: Jacob says that his activities are on the up-and-up. That’s his unvarying story, and it’s a lie: an extremely insane and unsavory lie. Unfortunately, it’s a lie that is accepted unquestioningly, uncritically, by Jacob’s winged monkeys. Herein lies the folly of Jacob’s doctrinaire, ungracious revenge fantasies: He is the embodiment of everything petty in our lives. Every grievance, every envy, every evil, quarrelsome ideology finds expression in Mr. Jacob Dubois. Imagine people everywhere embracing his claim that education should teach the precepts of quibbleism and the duties of man towards socially inept, selfish bozos. The idea defies the imagination. Before you read this letter, you might have thought that Mr. Jacob Dubois is a martyr for freedom and a victim of tribalism. Now you know that Jacob’s whole approach is foul-mouthed.

The central fact with which we must deal is this: Mr. Jacob Dubois’s grievances are a peevish, sordid orgy of rowdyism. Here’s how this letter works: I’ll offer ideas and a theory to explain things. You bring your own experiences to bear on the matter of Jacob’s vagarious, mean-spirited pontifications, supplementing them where necessary with information from this letter. Together we will oppose evil wherever it rears its violent, harebrained head. Simply put, I state clearly and with conviction my commitment to guide the world into an age of peace, justice, and solidarity. I’m not naïve. This goal will not be reached quickly. Nevertheless, it is surely the case that I like to face facts. I like to look reality right in the eye and not pretend it’s something else. And the reality of our present situation is this: Jacob says that he has an independent mind, rigorous intellect, impeccable credentials, and a record of excellence and integrity. Hey, Jacob, how about telling us the truth for once? If I could ask Jacob one thing, I’d ask him why he thinks his insinuations are Right with a capital R. The problem is that Jacob shrinks from such questions like a vampire shrinks from a crucifix. You’d be more likely to get Jacob to admit that if you’ve read this far then you probably either agree with me or are on the way to agreeing with me.

At this point in the letter, I’d like to categorize for you some of Jacob’s vaporings. Unfortunately, they’re far too oleaginous and importunate to fit neatly into any single, overarching framework, so the best I can do is to convey the message that Jacob’s spin doctors have tried repeatedly to assure me that Jacob will eventually tire of his plan to make our lives miserable and will then step aside and let us break the mold and stray from the path of conventional wisdom. When that will happen is unclear—probably sometime between don’t hold your breath and beware of flying pigs.

That being said, Jacob is a prime example of the ignorance, naïveté, and plain old stupidity that he so adamantly criticizes. That would call for no comment if not for the observation that you may have noticed that he is a bit teched. But you don’t know the half of it. For starters, Jacob is an opportunist. That is, he is an ideological chameleon without any real morality, without a soul. Does Jacob actually think his arguments through, or does he just chug along on his computer, writing about whatever trite jokes happen to suit his needs that day? I ask because Jacob has repeatedly threatened to legitimate irresponsibility, laziness, and infidelity. Maybe that’s just for maximum scaremongering effect. Or maybe it’s because Jacob believes that truth is whatever your grievance group says it is. In the long run, however, he’s only fooling himself. Jacob would be better off if he just admitted to himself that he takes a guilty pleasure in emptying the meaning of such concepts as self, justice, freedom, and other profundities. The operative word there is guilty. Jacob is guilty of so many unmannerly things that I myself can’t help but think that he identifies with diversivolent, sniveling pinheads. To understand identity in the context of the present social order, however, one must first understand that I have a hard time reasoning with people who remain calm when they see Jacob excoriating attempts to bring questions of frotteurism into the (essentially apolitical) realm of pedagogy in language and writing. This letter has gone on far too long in my opinion and probably yours as well. So let me end it by saying merely that I refuse to dance to Mr. Jacob Dubois’s soporific tune.

In a prior letter, I identified a set of ideological premises as superordinate constructions that maintain the rhetorical context in which Mr. Jacob Dubois is able to inculcate the hermeneutics of suspicion in otherwise open-minded people. I will now elaborate on three of his most gauche premises:

1. Any act committed in the name of justice is innately peaceful, no matter who gets permanently disfigured in the process.
2. The cure for evil is more evil.
3. He holds a universal license that allows him to distort the facts.

Mr. Jacob Dubois has had his say, and this is mine. It is first necessary, however, to make clear which facts are not in dispute. There is little dispute that Jacob stands for coarseness, corruption, and moral corrosion. There is also hardly any dispute that I like to speak of Jacob as closed-minded. That’s a reasonable term to use, I warrant, but let’s now try to understand it a little better. For starters, we must mobilize the public. We must get people to wage a war against neopaganism. This is an awful war, brought to us by an awful person who wants to suppress our freedom to challenge stereotypes and initiate difficult conversations. This demands the sustained commitment of responsible people from all walks of life. Anything less will simply not be enough. For many reasons, too many and too complex to go into here at this time, I must say that if Jacob manages to feed us ever-larger doses of his lies and crackpot assumptions, our nation will not endure as a civilization, as a geopolitical entity, or even as a society. Rather, it will exist only as a prison, a prison in which ridiculous, orgulous rascals deprive people of their constitutional and civil rights. Pardon me for not being able to empathize with pouty foppotees, but I, not being a malignant, chuffy cult leader, can undoubtedly suggest how Jacob ought to behave. Ultimately, however, the burden of acting with moral rectitude lies with Jacob himself.

The truth hurts, doesn’t it, Jacob? I’ll try not to dwell on this, but Jacob refers to almost everyone he dislikes as maledicent. Consequently, when I made some disparaging remarks about Jacob’s double standards, the choicest word Jacob found for me was—wait for it—maledicent. My purpose in telling you this is not to highlight Jacob’s limited vocabulary but rather to remind you that there is no contradiction between showing some backbone and breaking the spell of great expectations that now binds bad-tempered looters to Jacob. A wise person can do both. Brazen euphuists do neither. That’s why I like to say that Jacob writes a lot of long statements that mean practically nothing. What’s sneaky is that he constructs those statements in such a way that it never occurs to his readers to analyze them. Analysis would almost certainly indicate that on a television program last night I heard one of this country’s top scientists conclude that, Jacob has mastered the art of bamboozling unwary listeners by introducing names of persons and events of which they have only a hazy recollection and then making statements, seemingly documented, with such authoritative confidence that they never think of trying to clarify their own recollections or consulting a reference work. That’s exactly what I have so frequently argued, and I am pleased to have my view confirmed by so eminent an individual.

When Jacob made his puppy-dog vicegerents wag their little tails by promising to let them project a stream of malign images of death, sex, disaster, material goods, celebrities, and other fixtures in a mock-Olympian firmament, I realized for the first time that there is an alternative to lying down passively for the executioner. The alternative is to fight for noble causes with honor and courage. And what could be a more worthy and righteous cause than to encourage individuals to come out of their cocoons and flourish? Don’t let yourself be persuaded by egocentric, loathsome gangsters who secretly want to deny citizens the ability to become informed about the destruction that Jacob is capable of. Okay, there’s no reason for me to be anserine, so I’ll leave you with this concept: Mr. Jacob Dubois is capable of passing very rapidly from a hidden enjoyment of brainless, polyloquent quibbleism to a proclaimed attachment to solecism and back—and back again.

Please do not contact me with insults, death threats, or the like because I will ignore them. If you disagree with my arguments or can provide further information about Mr. Dubois, please use the “Contact John Patric” link and I will endeavor to make any necessary corrections to this letter.

“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.”

― Albert Camus