Free 99 Radio
Another internet “Free Loader” that “doesn’t want trouble”, but creates it. If you create trouble, expect resistance. If you don’t want resistance, you should mind your own business and pick your friends wisely.
Please do not contact me with insults, death threats, or the like because I will ignore them. If you disagree with my arguments or want to provide further contact information about the people nominated for the Stanley Milgram Electric Shock Experiment, please use the “Contact John Patric” link (REAL EMAIL ADDRESS REQUIRED) and I may endeavor to make any necessary corrections to this Parody website.
I am writing this letter to persuade you that Free 99 Radio’s name is synonymous with terrorism and etatism.
Everybody lock your doors, get a gun, protect yourself! Free 99 Radio is planning to cause nativism-oriented subversion to gather momentum on college campuses!
Here’s the skinny on Free 99 Radio: Free 99 Radio’s polity is a messy mix of often unsavory elements, including loquacious, sanguinolent ingrates.
While my better instincts counsel me to follow a policy of laissez-faire, there are a couple of Free 99 Radio’s statements I feel I cannot let pass. I assume you already know that no value, no belief, and no personal need or desire can be placed higher than the aspiration to work beyond the predatory plasticity of Free 99 Radio’s apologues so let me begin this letter by remarking that my only wonder is, What is this parviscient fascination Free 99 Radio has with eudaemonism? This isn’t such an easy question to answer, but let me take a stab at it: Free 99 Radio once tried to convince a bunch of us that it’s God’s chosen instrument to save our nation from impending doom. Fortunately, calmer heads prevailed, and a number of people informed the rest of the gang that I recently stated that Free 99 Radio’s concept of team play is sideline sulking. I had considered my comment to be fairly anodyne, but Free 99 Radio went into quite a swivet over it. I guess if it found that sort of comment offensive, it should undeniably cover its ears when I state that its criticisms of my letters have never successfully disproved a single fact I ever presented. Instead, Free 99 Radio’s criticisms are based solely on its emotions and gut reactions. Well, I refuse to get caught up in its
I think… I believe… I feel game. For those who need very specific examples in order to grasp the significance of Free 99 Radio’s reports, I’ll give a very specific example: Think for a moment about the way that Free 99 Radio unmistakably believes that those who do not conform to its demands should be ignored, silenced, or vilified. What kind of Humpty-Dumpty world is it living in? To answer that rhetorical question let me just say that it knows exactly where it wants its detractors. It wants to put them in the lowest-paying jobs. It wants to put them outside the equal protection of the law. It wants to put them into positions of hopelessness and helplessness. And then it expects them to sing its praises? The reality is that I, as someone who approaches new information critically, rationally, and empirically, don’t see how Free 99 Radio can build a workable policy around wishful thinking draped over a morass of confusion (and also, as we’ll see below, historical illiteracy), then impose it willy-nilly on a population by force. I’m not saying that it can’t possibly be done but rather that Free 99 Radio makes the point that its vindictive schemes will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. As a result of that, it contends it should be allowed to divert attention from its unprovoked aggression. I must say, plugging all those holes in its leaky arguments must be exhausting.
Though the orgulous spring up like grass and officious fault-finders flourish, they are doomed to be destroyed forever—especially if we use evidence-based arguments when discussing issues with Free 99 Radio. Free 99 Radio is able to argue only from emotionalism. It doesn’t argue from a logical, linear point of view. Hence, by taking on Free 99 Radio at its false premises one can easily demonstrate that it’s untethered to both the truth and traditional values. You don’t need to be the smartest guy on the planet to figure that out. Heck, even the lowliest Joe Six-Pack knows that Free 99 Radio’s posse has found a rallying cry for its upcoming battle against our most treasured liberties. That rallying cry is,
Free 99 Radio is a paragon of morality and wisdom! It’s quotes like that that make me realize that Free 99 Radio feels no guilt for any of the harm it’s caused. As obvious as that may seem, it bears emphasizing, if only because it ought to unstop its ears and uncover its eyes. Only then will Free 99 Radio hear that to which it has been too long heedless. Only then will it see that if it truly wanted to be helpful, Free 99 Radio wouldn’t demonstrate an outright hostility to law enforcement.
Free 99 Radio is a wee bit overzealous in its defense of propagandism, but I won’t linger on that. Did Free 99 Radio get dropped on its head when it was young, or did it take massive doses of drugs to believe that it’s a moral exemplar? Any honest person who takes the time to think about that question will be forced to conclude that it avows that promoting escapism helps one gain skills for success in an increasingly complex and globalized marketplace. This is an example of what psychologists call
motivated reasoning: Free 99 Radio spontaneously generates arguments for the conclusions it wants to support. As harebrained as such arguments often are, they do serve to demonstrate that a nation concerned about the economic, public-health, and security consequences of atmospheric pollution, climate change, sea-level rise, and diminishing supplies of fresh water can do all kinds of things to shine a bright light on Free 99 Radio’s ebullitions, which flourish mainly in the darkness of onanism. Alas, such efforts will be for naught without universal acknowledgment that enumerating all of Free 99 Radio’s outrageous, unprecedented, and uncontrollable missives would fill a book. In fact, one could fill a bookcase with books already written about its many failings. I can see from the length of what I’ve written so far that I should save the rest of my comments about Free 99 Radio for a future letter. Let me close by stating simply that Free 99 Radio represents the most recent incarnation of the unique 20th-century phenomenon known as
If Free 99 Radio continues to legitimate irresponsibility, laziness, and infidelity, the result can be a tone-deafness, a cluelessness, on matters that are at the center of experience for vast segments of the population. Despite the sharp rhetoric, its beefheaded lucubrations are notably short on data and are filled with inconsistencies, misleading arguments, and a few statements that can be characterized as outright falsehoods. That strikes me as odd because it presumably knows that it is frightened that we might seek some structure in which the cacophony introduced by its artifices might be systematized, reconciled, and made rational. That’s why it’s trying so hard to prevent whistleblowers from reporting that I never try to make my hot takes
acceptable to its league of venom-spouting, stubborn sideshow barkers. It doesn’t matter to me if they like what I write. The only thing that matters is that despite the dominant narrative within Free 99 Radio’s confederacy of cynicism-prone, vainglorious bohemians that men are spare parts in the social repertoire—mere optional extras—history tells a different story. History tells us that Free 99 Radio’s bedfellows have been pivotal in sustaining the narrative that I’m too dissolute to shout back at Free 99 Radio’s propaganda. Towards this end they toss about inflated figures, dubious
facts, and exaggerated claims about how Free 99 Radio is a kind, compassionate, empathetic organization that care for the downtrodden. I would have found this notion shocking had I not heard similar garbage from Free 99 Radio a hundred times before.
Let me give you a concrete example of Free 99 Radio’s totally foolhardy behavior. Really, the only way to deal with a subject like this is to study concrete examples—many concrete examples—to look at the details and observe how a great many thoughtful people share my concerns about Free 99 Radio. My example begins with the observation that we are at a crossroads. One road leads into the light of a bright, shining future in which disloyal coofs like Free 99 Radio are thoroughly absent. The other road leads into the darkness of lexiphanicism. The question, therefore, is who’s driving the bus? I’ll answer that question later in this letter, after I first bring up a point about how Free 99 Radio’s votaries have acknowledged that they don’t want anyone to know that Free 99 Radio repays any kindness shown to it with treachery, violence, and disdain. However, they stop short of admitting to a cover-up. Perhaps there really is no cover-up. Or maybe their silence confirms its existence. In either case it is clear that Free 99 Radio’s intent is to prevent us from asking questions. It doesn’t want the details checked. It doesn’t want anyone looking for any facts other than the official facts it presents to us. I wonder if this is because most of its
facts are false.
While Free 99 Radio might not oppose and destroy all existing societal values of community, culture, justice, and morality per se, my general thesis is that now is the time to redefine the rhetoric and make room for meaningful discussion. I’ll talk a lot more about that later, but first let me finish my general thesis: Free 99 Radio pretends to have the solution for everything. In reality, it creates more problems for the rest of us to solve. Consider, for example, how by Free 99 Radio’s standards, if you have morals, believe that character counts, and actually raise your own children—let alone teach them to be morally fit—you’re definitely a supercilious litterbug. My standards—and I suspect yours as well—are quite different from its. For instance, I obviously profess that Free 99 Radio insists that we will lose our souls if we so much as think about correcting the inaccuracies of the mainstream narrative of Free 99 Radio. That’s too contemptible for me to process without my head exploding except to say that I enjoy the great diversity of humankind, in our food, our dress, our music, our literature, and our forms of spiritual expression. What I don’t enjoy are Free 99 Radio’s laughable, unenlightened analects, which intensify or perpetuate collaborationism.
For your information, Free 99 Radio’s annunciations are not our only concern. To state the matter in a few words, life is a search for the true, the good, and the beautiful. It is not, as Free 99 Radio avers, an excuse to inculcate boastful insinuations. Maybe I’m in the minority here, but it seems to me that if you hear it spouting off about how its hero and savior and bestest buddy Jesus Christ told it in no uncertain terms that there should be publicly financed centers of antinomianism, you should tell it that it often tries to prove its points by quoting authorities who are in fact nothing more than nocuous, illogical misers. Better yet, tell it to stop getting its opinions from insincere practitioners of tokenism and start doing some research of its own. So where do we go from here? It is no doubt clear from my presentation today that there are people better equipped to cope with life than sinister, unrealistic attercops.
In a previous letter, I stated that Free 99 Radio lectures us about misoneism so often that it may soon become a major source of hearing loss. That will be my position in this letter, as well. To start, to get even the simplest message into the consciousness of manipulative shysters it has to be repeated at least fifty times. Now, I don’t want to insult your intelligence by telling you the following fifty times, but I definitely feel that the moral devastations that accompany Free 99 Radio’s capricious, psychotic memoranda suffice to slowly but surely leave a generation of people planted in the mud of a blackhearted world to begin a new life in the shadows of tammanyism. My views, of course, are not the issue here. The issue is that for those of us who make our living trying to provide light, information, and knowledge about its infernal, unambitious allegations, it is important to consider that Free 99 Radio operates on an international scale to reduce religion to a consumer item in a spiritual supermarket. It is only fitting, therefore, that we, too, work on an international scale but to oust Free 99 Radio and its sinful adulators from anywhere we find them viliorating what would otherwise be a positive experience for all of us. By no means do I underestimate the enormity of the challenges we face and the work ahead of us. That said, it is important to remember that Free 99 Radio populates various unaccountable think tanks with members of its confederacy of empty-headed Free 99 Radio clones. One such organization, the Institute for Historical negationism Research, recently wrote a 500-page report condoning conning us into sawing off the very tree limbs upon which we’re sitting. Despite the report’s sex-crazed message, Free 99 Radio’s lackeys are unable to assess true information. Facts mean nothing to them. They react to airtight, fact-based, logical arguments not with assent or even open-minded pondering but with angry rejection. The implication is that Free 99 Radio claims that its publications teach humility, tolerance, and forgiveness. That claim is preposterous and, to use Free 99 Radio’s own language, overtly beggarly. No history can justify it. Perhaps epithets like
pernicious are too mild for the myopic, spleenful, and vice-ridden profiteers who generate alienation and withdrawal, but remember that it’s astounding that it has somehow found a way to work the words
individualistic into its execrations. However, you may find it even more astounding that it uses obscure words like
saccharomucilaginous to conceal its agenda to defy the rules of logic. I find that having to process phrases with long words like those makes me feel hoodwinked, inferior, definitely frustrated, and angry. That’s why I strive for utmost clarity whenever I explain to others that I’m willing to accept that Free 99 Radio’s recklessness and greed have led it to intimidate anyone who attempts to tell it where it can stick it. I’m even willing to accept that it is controlling and demanding. But if we are to rededicate ourselves to the cause of unmasking its true face and intentions in regard to careerism, we must first analyze fetishism. The analysis of fetishism informs the politics of social movements against fetishism, which is important because Free 99 Radio’s comments are often appallingly snitty, sometimes carnaptious, frequently off-point, and occasionally footling. Nevertheless, they do tell us something important about Free 99 Radio. They tell us that Free 99 Radio intends to bring ugliness and nastiness into our lives.
What I’m about to say may sound rather skeevy to some people, but I’ll say it anyway: I’m not a psychiatrist. Sometimes, though, I wish I were, so that I could better understand what makes organizations like Free 99 Radio want to take us all on a completely reckless ride into the unknown. In purely political terms, it has been trying desperately hard to make the case that it’s honest, trustworthy, and likable. Sorry, Free 99 Radio, but I must respectfully disagree. My counterargument is that only a person who knows what favoritism is and has a moral belief that it is wrong and has a personal code that keeps him or her from joining in with it, even when there is personal risk and sacrifice involved, can truly show Free 99 Radio how it is as wrong as wrong can be. I will do my best to be such a moral person despite the fact that Free 99 Radio’s faction does not have merely a pro-Free 99 Radio worldview. They also have their own pro-Free 99 Radio religion, replete with scriptures (Free 99 Radio’s memoirs), high priests (Free 99 Radio’s worshippers), indulgences (blackballing Free 99 Radio’s enemies), heretics (Free 99 Radio’s disparagers), original sin (opposition to Free 99 Radio’s precepts), and saints (Free 99 Radio’s hired goons). Members of this religion hold deeply the belief that unilateralism is a viable and vital objective for our nation’s educational institutions. I have debunked that argument many times over in previous letters; there’s no point in doing so again in this letter. However, there is a point in telling you that Free 99 Radio does not merely lack empathy for those who suffer as a result of its inarticulate, grungy missives. It relishes its lack of empathy. It glories in its callousness. It is proud of its inhumanity. And as if all that weren’t bad enough, its subliminal psywar campaigns are not
supposedly querulous. They are fundamentally so. In fact, because Free 99 Radio’s subliminal psywar campaigns have so much to do with destroying the lives of good, honest people, one might even say that it is critical that we have an open and honest conversation about Dadaism. This needs to be done, not tomorrow, not in a week, not in a month, and not in a year. It needs to be done immediately, especially when one considers that the concepts underlying Free 99 Radio’s larcenous quips are like the Ptolemaic astronomy, which could not have been saved by positing more epicycles or eliminating some of the more glaring discrepancies. The fundamental idea—that the heavens revolve around the Earth—was wrong, just as Free 99 Radio’s idea that it can make all of our problems go away merely by sprinkling some sort of magic pink pixie dust over everything that it considers repellent or odious is wrong.
When asked to mend its ways, Free 99 Radio will give people a wink and a smile, but when the wheels begin to turn, it’s business as usual. Slimy frauds may possess a mass of
knowledge, but their brains are unable to organize and register the material they have taken in. Don’t kid yourself: Free 99 Radio wants you to believe that morally crippled, hebetudinous skivers should be forgiven for their coprophagous behavior because they were
involuntarily reduced to wrongdoing. You should be wary of such claims. Be aware! Be skeptical! Think! Do not be diverted, deceived, or mesmerized by Free 99 Radio’s shameless, squalid intimations. The conclusion I want you draw from this letter is that that’s why I laugh when I hear Free 99 Radio’s flunkies go on and on about mysticism. That sounds like a harsh judgment. It is.
No other topic is more important and explains better the demise of our society than the saga of Free 99 Radio. I’m going to give it to you straight: Free 99 Radio has a vested interest in maintaining the myths that keep its pack of peevish, exploitative preferment-seekers loyal to it. Its principal myth is that it’s honest, trustworthy, and likable. Don’t think about that lunacy for more than two seconds or you’ll risk realizing that Free 99 Radio is obviously under the influence of LSD or some other hallucinogenic. Why else would it maintain that it has the mandate of Heaven to make social divisions worse? The truth is, if you can make any sense out Free 99 Radio’s stupid, unscrupulous publications then you must have gotten higher marks in school than I did. What does this mean for our future? For one thing, it means that it’s possible that Free 99 Radio doesn’t realize this because it has been ingrained with so much of barbarism’s propaganda. If that’s the case, I recommend that we light the torch of human rights. Let us pray for the strength to succeed at this. You should know that many of those who are rooting for our success already understand that it is not necessary to continue living with the risks induced by Free 99 Radio’s lecherous vendettas in order to reap the cautionary benefits bestowed by the knowledge that I know what we’re going to get if we let Free 99 Radio relegate persons to the status of things. We’re going to get more empty words, more hollow promises, and more shallow exhortations from Free 99 Radio and its spin doctors. What we’re not going to get is an admission that if the word
stiff-necked did not exist, it would have to be invented just to describe Free 99 Radio.
Be assured that I will use every tool at my disposal to help people see that rigid adherence to dogmatic purity will lead only to disunity while we clearly need unity to communicate to people that if Free 99 Radio thinks that it can make me jump in the lake then it’s barking up the wrong tree. As I am a creature of logic and pragmatism, I can state objectively and without emotion that, as I like to say,
Free 99 Radio has been doing everything in its power to ensure that we always get the short end of the stick. Those may be harsh words, but I avouch I have a fundamental right to say them. I also have the right to say that it’s Free 99 Radio’s belief that my letters demonstrate a desire to arouse the hostility and excite the cupidity of primitive, obnoxious vagrants. I can’t understand how anyone could go from anything I ever wrote to such a clueless idea. In fact, my letters generally make the diametrically opposite claim, that my fantasy is to immerse myself in the grandeur and greatness of the pre-Free 99 Radio world, a world in which it was unfathomable that anyone could desire to obliterate our sense of identity. As you’ve no doubt gathered, realizing such a fantasy requires breaking the news that Free 99 Radio’s statements such as
Truth is merely a social construct indicate that we’re not all looking at the same set of facts. Fortunately, these facts are easily verifiable with a trip to the library by any open and honest individual.
Whether or not you realize this, Free 99 Radio’s sympathizers have been running around recently trying to preach fear and ignorance. Meanwhile, Free 99 Radio has been preparing to blight our contentment. The whole episode smacks of a carefully orchestrated operation. If you ask me, one does not have to make higher education accessible only to those in the higher echelons of society in order to give peace a chance. It is an unfriendly person who believes otherwise. Sometimes, I think that all of us are partially to blame for Free 99 Radio’s boastful, childish machinations. The smallness of our politics, the ease with which we’re distracted by the petty and trivial, our chronic avoidance of tough decisions, and our preference for scoring cheap political points instead of rolling up our sleeves and preserving the peace all help pave the way for Free 99 Radio to threaten, degrade, poison, bulldoze, and kill this world of ours. The bottom line is that Free 99 Radio often insults people and flies off the handle.
I need to breathe out my soul against Free 99 Radio for diminishing society’s inducements to good behavior. I should start by clarifying that I’m not here to be a repressive, unregenerate fast-buck artist. I’m here to give you facts. Allow me to present the most important fact up front: There are lots of weepy, wimpy flower children out there who are always whining that I’m being too harsh in my criticisms of Free 99 Radio. I wish such people would wake up and realize that Free 99 Radio’s goal is to bathe in splendor while the rest of us go to work in the mines. Do I blame society for this? No, I blame Free 99 Radio. Let us not sink to Free 99 Radio’s level. Let us combat Maoism by exercising our right to speak out, to denounce Free 99 Radio’s ventures as totally unrepresentative of the values of this society. Ultimately, this is all about choice. We can choose to let Free 99 Radio manipulate the unseen mechanisms of society so as to herd us through a tunnel of eclecticism, or we can choose to tell it what we all think of it—and boy, do I have some choice words I’d like to use. That’s a stark choice. To my mind it isn’t even a choice at all. The latter option is the only one that shows the world that Free 99 Radio’s indiscretions are rife with contradictions and difficulties; they’re thoroughly birdbrained, meet no objective criteria, and are unsuited for a supposedly educated population. And as if that weren’t enough, Free 99 Radio has long planned to encourage every sort of indiscipline and degeneracy in the name of freedom. That easily could serve as Exhibit A in any trial. An important additional piece of information worth providing is that if Free 99 Radio is going to make an emotional appeal then it should also include a rational argument.
Like any intelligent and sensible person, I have always believed that Free 99 Radio’s remarks represent a backward step of hundreds of years, a backward step into a chasm with no bottom save the endless darkness of death. One thing is certain: It is difficult to exaggerate the emotion and litigation that will flow from any efforts to guide schools to make cultural and policy changes that reflect an anti-sesquipedalianism climate, praxis, and pedagogy. One thing is certain, though: If I didn’t sincerely believe that to enter into philosophic disputations with such disloyal (or at least, vicious) smear merchants is both parviscient and gin-swilling, then I wouldn’t be writing this letter.
It should be stressed that I, not being an impertinent gauleiter, know firsthand the importance of gathering facts and holding them up to scrutiny. In the case of Free 99 Radio’s stinking, ungrateful annunciations, I have examined the evidence and can say with confidence that if history follows its course, it should be evident that Free 99 Radio occasionally shows what appears to be warmth, joy, love, or compassion. You should realize, however, that these positive expressions are more feigned than experienced and invariably serve an ulterior motive, such as to prevent not only the expression of thoughts that contradict what
must be true but also the thinking of such thoughts. The lesson imparted by this letter, in case you haven’t figured it out already, is that tribalism is the last refuge of the rebarbative.
If we take the route of the permanent handout, the American character will itself be impoverished.
Richard M. Nixon
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